Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

April 25, 2017

A list for the homicide-impaired

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 2:04 pm

I’ve watched literally hundreds of hours of Dateline Mystery, Joe Kenda, Homicide Hunter, Murder Comes to Town . . . you name it, I’ve probably watched it. Apparently, however, the people who actually kill other people have never heard of Discovery ID.

Here’s a little list just for them.

  • If you are such a cretin that you have to make a list of the steps you must take to kill somebody, maybe you ought to do the taxpayers a favor and just kill you first. It would save us a lot of money because we wouldn’t have to provide you with three hots and a cot and medical care and a college education and I don’t know what-all for the rest of your sorry life. I mean, a list? For shit’s sake.
  • Also, don’t bother setting up an elaborate alibi and then taking selfies of yourself doing everything you were supposedly doing when someone else killed your entire family. Do you really think a few selfies will take you off the list of persons of interest? Think about it. Who could possibly want your pregnant wife and your three preschool children dead, except you, Mr. They’re-Holding-Me-Back-from-Reaching-My-Full-Potential-and-Oh-Yeah-That-Last-Kid-Ruined-My-Wife’s-Figure?
  • Don’t underestimate the load of shit that cellphone can get you into. You think they can’t recover those text messages between you and the stripper? Or that they can’t ping your phone and triangulate the cell phone towers to locate you? There are apps for that shit, dude.
  • Forget the insurance, too. Who takes out a million-dollar policy on a stay-at-home mom. And only a month before she “died,” too. I mean, seriously. Are you a moron?
  • Don’t cover them up after you kill them. Everybody knows random killers don’t cover their victims. Only people who know them well do that. Like jerk-off husbands and shit.
  • Don’t ransack the house then leave all the valuables. You think people don’t notice that?
  • Don’t put your victims in the damned trunk. That’s the first place the cops look when they can’t find your family, stupid. And even if you have long since rid yourself of those cumbersome dead bodies and had the car professionally detailed, there’s going to be a hair. A pinpoint drop of blood. A fiber.

Stupid people are just not good murderers. Now put down the damned gun and call a divorce lawyer. Idiot.

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4 Comments »

  1. I’m an avid Discovery ID person. You are so on point here. I shake my head at the arrogance of these buffoons who think they’re smarter than the rest of us mere mortals. Ugh.

    Like

    Comment by dawnall — April 25, 2017 @ 4:52 pm | Reply

  2. The people I know who know about these things say there are dozens of things you have to do just so or you get caught, and most just cannot hold all that in their heads–but smart people like you. . . .Um, remind me not to piss you off. . .besides, I don’t believe a whole lot of rationale thought is going on in the heads of most murderers.

    Like

    Comment by Brice E Bogle — April 25, 2017 @ 5:11 pm | Reply

  3. Enjoyed your latest!!!

    Like

    Comment by Lily Miceli — April 26, 2017 @ 6:41 am | Reply

  4. Hehehe hehehe he he he he

    Like

    Comment by Maggie Z — May 1, 2017 @ 9:46 am | Reply


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