Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

January 22, 2017

Thanks, Donald!

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 4:42 pm

Before I even start—I owe all this to Donald Trump.

Ever since the election I’ve been having Trump-mares. Really. Not Trump-as-president-mares, but dreams in which he is personally threatening me. Sometimes he’s just standing in my bedroom doorway, shaking his big orange head saying, “Sad. Sad.”

Sometimes he’s in my classroom, stalking around behind me as I talk to me students. “Wrong!” he interjects. “Wrong. Stupid Carol. Bad Carol. Wrong!”

I am not making this up, people. I, for one, am able to tell the truth, due to my recent experience, I forgive President Trump because he can’t.

Because of my Trump-mares, I spend a good deal of time lying awake, sometimes staring at the ceiling, wondering if I could just personally secede from the Union, and sometimes watching TV. The best infomercials are in the wee hours, in case you ever wanted to be sure and get the best price on some of the necessities of life, like, I don’t know, Skinnies Instant Arm Lift (so you can tape any hangy-down fat under your arms to the back of your arms). Or maybe Kush. You know, that thing you put between your breasts when you sleep on your side so the top boob doesn’t look all saggy and shit? I mean, you sure as hell aren’t going to find that in a brick-and-mortar store.

Or the Better Marriage Blanket! I’m surprised more people don’t set their alarms to wake up on purpose to get one of these. They absorb your spouse’s silent-but-deadly-under-the-covers emissions! Who doesn’t need that!! And you know it works, because the commercial says it’s made of the same material the military uses to protect troops against chemical weapons! Or maybe you’re just looking for some Pajama Jeans. They don’t sell those at Dillard’s. I checked.

But I digress. I’m lying there flipping channels, and what comes on but Country Heat, the Core de Force to give me a beach-ready body! In 21-days, no less! Plus, it’s not really exercising. It’s line-dancing for 30 minutes a day. In the house. Alone. Which is, as we all know, the only place I should be allowed to dance.

I had to have it. So I called the number on the screen and talked to Debbie. I must have called at just the right time, because before I knew it, I was on the VIP team. Not only did I get the 6 DVDs that comprise Country Heat, I get Autumn’s (Autumn Calabrese, creator and trainer, but she likes us to call her Autumn) patented portion control containers. If I can stuff it in one of those, I can eat it! I am not making this up.

And then, because Autumn really, really cares about my health, Debbie said she was authorized to send me a free 30-day supply of Autumn’s ActiVite multivitamins (also patented) for only $1 and an additional $3.95 shipping and handling. If I was satisfied, they would set me up to automatically receive a 30-day supply each month for only $29.99, which is, I’m not kidding, 54% off the regular price.

It just goes on and on, people. Debbie said because Autumn truly wants me to reach my goal of a beach-ready body, she is personally giving me a free 30-day membership on team-beachbody.com so the coaches there can keep me on track. If I like it, I can keep it for only $2.99 a week. She’ll even throw in three of her best-selling Shakeology Smoothies. 70 minerals in a single glass!

I had to pinch myself. Here I’ve been sad because in the last few years I’ve gone from beach-ready body to neighborhood-pool adequate body to lawn-chair-between-the-house-and-the-privacy-fence body, and I could regain that beach-ready body for only two easy payments of $39.99. There’s a money back guarantee, too (I get to keep the shakes even if I send the rest of it back).

And I thought Donald Trump’s presidency would be a disaster of epic proportions! Sorry, Donald!

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3 Comments »

  1. Oh.My.Gosh! This made me laugh so hard, (although I do feel sorry for you about the Trump-mares)>

    Like

    Comment by Pam — January 22, 2017 @ 6:05 pm | Reply

  2. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh my God, I miss you so much!

    I don’t forgive that orange turd for anything. Not. One. Thing.

    Like

    Comment by Michelle Harris — January 24, 2017 @ 5:06 am | Reply

  3. Every day since it was nominated, I have turned on the TV and said, ” Let’s see who the ‘Fat Bastard’ pissed off today.” It never fails to disgust and or terrify me. Yay. Life has been a bowl of fetid scum custard for over a year now.
    His plan, if you can call it that, is to destroy the country because he can buy it for pennies on the dollar when our wonderful country becomes a steaming heap of fried cats. It is what ruthless, megalomaniacal business folks do. Welcome to The new, improved America: Fascism Part II.
    Now I live for the day we get an all-clear on HIS corrosive Mental cancer and is impeached/imprisoned for treason and I get an all-clear on MY particular cancer.
    Love and hugs, Pony-tale girl.

    Like

    Comment by pony-tale girl — January 31, 2017 @ 1:24 pm | Reply


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