Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

September 19, 2015

The Sexual Proclivities of the OLEO

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 6:21 pm
Tags: , , , ,

Perhaps, you, like me, never know when you’ll be pulled over for driving while distracted or maybe refusing to share the road. Or the sidewalk. Or that green part between the road and the sidewalk. If you are, indeed, stopped for any of these bogus charges (or real ones, for that matter), this information may come in handy.

Consensual sex. It has changed, people.

Apparently, the well-known species Oklahoma Law Enforcement Officer (OLEO) has come under scrutiny, mostly due to their penchant for having sex with women they stop for . . . well, nearly anything.

And if that happens to you, you may be persuaded to have sex with a particular OLEO. Don’t worry, though. It’s not like you’ll have to have dinner and a movie first. Maybe just pull over into a nearby alley or something.

Don’t get all judge-y. Do you always know where you’ll be when the urge strikes? I mean, you could be in a theater in the middle of March of the Penguins. Or in the parking lot of Bass Pro Shop. Not that that’s ever happened to me, but I know some pretty racy people.

Be that as it may, the issue here is that, according to the most recent OLEO to be called on the carpet, having sex with women during a traffic stop is completely normal.

My first thought was that that maybe I was confused about consensual sex. I remember it as going a little like this:

Person 1: Would you like to have sex?

Person 2: Boy, would I! I mean, yes, I would. Thank you for asking.

And then you do.

However, maybe everybody’s mating habits have changed since I last, you know, “mated.” Or, it could be that the sexual practices of the OLEO vary greatly from those of the common folk. Still, because I have an aversion to going off half-cocked, so to speak, I did what I thought any normal person would do. I Googled “consensual sex”—and you know what? That was not the best idea in my vast repertoire of ideas. I’m probably going to have to poke my eyes out now.

I did find a couple of newspaper articles, and while I may have thrown up in my mouth a couple of times, at least there was nothing that might evoke the urge to put a stick in my eye. After careful analysis and barely any unwarranted inferences, I’ve determined that consensual sex with an OLEO is indeed different.

First, there might be some kind of instrument involved! What kind? I don’t know what kind. Nor do I know if it’s instead of a penis or in addition to a penis. The article wasn’t clear on that. I’m pretty sure it’s not an oboe or anything. But still . . . consensual sex by instrumentation! What a concept!

Second, rest assured that you will not be handcuffed! Or shot! Unless you want to be. I thought it might be worth mentioning just in case your particular OLEO has a pair of handcuffs and a gun on or near him. Seriously, what’s the big deal? If he hasn’t said, “You’re under arrest,” the gun and the handcuffs and the Taser and the badge are practically not there. They’re accessories. Like an infinity scarf.

This last thing stopped me dead in my tracks. Apparently, one of the peculiarities of the OLEO is the documentation of sex, and by documentation, I mean taking pictures. I don’t know about you, but even if I did want to have consensual sex with a random OLEO, I’m not sure I could cross that line. I mean, I have seen pictures of me.

However, as anybody who has ever made the mistake of Googling “consensual sex” knows, there are some parts of a woman that don’t have to be photogenic. They just have to be there, on display. I don’t want to say much more, but if this isn’t a deal breaker for you, you might do a little “landscaping” down there. Don’t go full Brazil or anything, but, you know. A little trim around the edges. Just in case.

The more I ponder, the less confident I am that OLEOs are going to be able to continue to indulge their sexual proclivities, but who knows? At one time we were positive that a lot of things were weird, like you know, Donald Trump, reality TV, turning the governor’s mansion into a trailer park. Heck. Nothing unusual about any of that now.

Still, I’m not saying I’m ever going to have consensual sex with an OLEO. I’m not saying I’m not, either.

But if you do, and you find that there are, you know, instruments—could you Facebook me and tell me what they are?


1 Comment »

  1. Oh, baby, what a baton! Hubba,hubba! Pass the OLEO!


    Comment by pony-tale — September 21, 2015 @ 10:40 am | Reply

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