Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

August 21, 2015

The line forms here. Or not.

Jim and I have this ongoing bit about how if he dies before me he won’t have to worry because there will be guys lined up to get a chance to take care of yours truly. Now you know and I know that’s not true, but it makes him happy.
So every once in a while one of us throws out some trait or action that would a guy kicked out of line. Because I like to humor my husband, I decided to make a definitive list. Now, you might look at these and think, “How the hell is she going to know any of this?” All I’ll say is, I have my ways. And my polygraph.
The list:
1. Wearing lip-flops or any other shoe that shows your toes. I mean, gross.
2. Having a name for your penis. I don’t mean a euphemism. A name. You know, like Little Tom. Buddy. Larry, Jr. Whatever.
3. Calling any previous significant other your “old lady.” Ick.
4. Failure to understand why I own, and wear, a tiara. What are you, blind?
5. Capri pants. That’s all I’m saying.
6. Calling a woman’s breasts “the girls,” or anything, really, other than “breasts.”
7. Quoting any of the following people: Sean Hannity; any Dr. Firstname—Dr. Phil, Dr. Ruth, Dr. Laura; Jesus (yes, Jesus. If I want to know what he said, I’ll ask him); Donald Trump; Sarah Palin.
8. Saying any of the following words or phrases:
a. Yummy—man up, for shit’s sake
b. Scrumptious—what I said before
c. Tummy–ditto
d. At the end of the day—what day? Any day? Yesterday? Today? Just admit it. You don’t know.
e. Think outside the box—because it makes me want to stuff you in a box and shut the lid.
f. I could care less—look it up
g. And if you have ever said, “We’re pregnant,” just go. Now. Don’t make me come out there.
9. Questioning my taste in music. Or anything else, really. Just. Don’t.
10. Owning CDs by George Strait, the Zac Brown Band, Sugarland, Hank Williams, Jr. or Charlie Daniels. First three—not real music. And I don’t care if I do tap my foot. It’s still not real music. Last two—right wing assholes. Never support the enemy. And if they aren’t the enemy—you’re dead to me.
11. Drinking any alcoholic beverage containing cranberry juice. Or calling any drink a cocktail. Who are you? Austin Powers?
12. Shopping at Hobby Lobby. In the first place, shopping for craft supplies? Really? Not on my watch. Second—it’s Hobby Lobby. Duh.
13. Wearing a thong. If I have to tell you why this is wrong, you clearly lack even the tiniest bit of taste.
14. Sporting a comb-over. You aren’t fooling anyone. Same with a bald head and a pony tail. Forthrightly bald men are hot. Men who pretend they aren’t are not.
15. Black socks and running shoes. Are you insane? I mean, that particular sin is probably in the Bible. Leviticus, most likely. Although if that sways you the least bit, you will not make the cut. I promise.
16. Shorts more than 3 inches above your knees. I shouldn’t even have to say it.
17. A necklace. Any necklace. I’ll do the necklace-wearing, and you can do the necklace-buying. That’s the way it works.
Because I am a person of strong opinions, I’m sure there are many more I could add, but I can’t think of any. If you do, send them on, no matter how ridiculous. It’s not like there’s really going to be a line, but I want to be prepared, just in case.

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4 Comments »

  1. That’s some list…alot to live up to…..

    Like

    Comment by Lily — August 22, 2015 @ 10:08 am | Reply

  2. I have the same list, but once they’ve married you, they decide that watching Bill O=reilly is ok. For every 10 seconds of BO, we must watch an hour of Bill Maher–for the antidote. He finally decided the guy is a “pinhead.”
    More on my list – no pinky ring or bracelet either, unless it is a hospital bracelet. Invalids are hot.
    T-shirts under Hawaiian shirts.
    Scratching anything in public. Burping or farting without begging my forgiveness for his gaucheness.
    Saying “Gaucheness.”
    Then I fell in love with one person and almost immediately woke up to another person. He is ill now and old and does so many of the things on my “Forget it” list that it has become a joke. Fortunately he still has enough brain cells firing to remain a Democrat and a gentleman, but Some days… I can still watch him shuffling down the hall in his socks and house shoes,looking for his “donut” and biography of Teddy Roosevelt, and a tsunami of love and affeciton washes over me, until I am drowning in it. Wait–maybe that’s a hot flash. Is it 8:30 already?
    And is my husband adorable or what? Depends.

    Like

    Comment by pony-tale — August 24, 2015 @ 8:55 am | Reply

    • I’m stilling all of this, Lottie.

      “She could never be a saint, but she thought she could be a martyr if they killed her quick.” ― Flannery O’Connor

      On Mon, Aug 24, 2015 at 8:55 AM, Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy wrote:

      >

      Like

      Comment by Vadasmaker — August 24, 2015 @ 3:33 pm | Reply

  3. $29.95 on Barnes & Noble website.

    Like

    Comment by pony-tale — August 25, 2015 @ 8:57 am | Reply


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