Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

April 17, 2015

In case of undignified death . . .

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 3:35 pm
Tags: , , , ,

I have left Jim instructions to follow in the event that I meet an undignified end. Unfortunately, he likes to think he has a mind of his own. I could debate that all day long, but there may not be time. So, since I clearly can’t trust him, here’s some shit I need ya’ll to do just in case.
I expect an undignified end. I see no reason to assume a mantle of propriety just because I’m dying.

Now, undignified deaths can occur anywhere. However, the very worst undignified deaths occur in the bathroom. It’s true. Oh, for shit’s sake. Just Google it.

If I drop dead coming out of the shower, put some damned clothes on me. I’m thinking the red Victoria’s Secret thong, a pushup bra, and a tasteful robe. It’s true I never wore a thong in life, because that would be gross. I mean, do I really have to tell you where that little stringy thing goes? Seriously, people. That would just be gross. However, once I’m dead there’s no reason not to, and that’s as far down that path I’m going to go.

Also, please blow-dry my hair. Nobody wants to be dead looking like a wet weasel.

If I happen to be, you know, “powdering my nose” at the time, clean my pertinent parts then wrestle me into those same red Victoria’s Secret thong panties. You don’t have to change my t-shirt. Just make sure it’s not stained with that Ben and Jerry’s I had at 2:00 in the morning. Or the peanut butter and jelly I ate from the jars at 2:30. You know. The usual.

And don’t forget to flush. I shouldn’t have to say that, but how do I know some of you weren’t raised by wolves?

Once you’ve got me all pantied up, pry my fingers off the electronic Yahtzee game. No reason I should go out looking like some kind of idiot, playing Yahtzee on the toilet.

Ok. Now this next part is of the utmost importance. I’ve been planning my funeral for years, and I know exactly what I want. I’ll need my James McMurtry Burn All Night tank top, my Sunday boots (knee-high, turquoise and burnished brown, fourth pair from the end on the fifth shelf in the shoe closet), and a denim skort. It doesn’t matter which skort. I have 37, and they’re all exactly alike.

Since it would be a fashion faux pas to wear a bra with that tank top, I’ll need you to duct tape my boobs in place. Oh, please. Yours don’t fall into your armpits like bags of sand when you lie down? Just get the damned tape and quit judging me.

Check that mole on my jawline. If there’s a hair in it, jerk that sucker out.

Make sure the hairdresser of the dead does not give me mall bangs. I will be too old for mall bangs. I’m too old now for mall bangs. Don’t forget my tiara.

Arrange for a milk crate to be placed behind the pulpit so Jon Stewart will be able to see the mourners as he eulogizes me. I wouldn’t even mention the fact that he’s short if he hadn’t betrayed me. See previous blogs. Reiteration would break my heart.

Be sure there’s a power strip for Eric to plug in his amp and guitar. I’d really prefer an acoustic version of “Wonderful Tonight,” but dead women can’t be choosers. Let him do whatever he wants. He is a god, after all.

Finally, make sure there are no flowers. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Center for the Study of Oklahoma Legislative Dysfunction. They’ve got a lot to do.

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7 Comments »

  1. Just how many flowers do you think you’d get??? It’s going to take a lot of “in lieu of” to fix that problem. I’ll just sit here, waiting for a phone call, tweezers in hand.

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    Comment by Gloria Teague — April 17, 2015 @ 4:03 pm | Reply

  2. You can trust Gloria with the tweezers! I am laughing so hard I can’t even begin to stuffle your legs in a thong–oh,hold on– if I wait until you’re dead, it’ll be easy-peasy!

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    Comment by pony-tale — April 17, 2015 @ 4:58 pm | Reply

  3. Hilarious. “If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable.”  –Seneca From: Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy To: d1124dk@yahoo.com Sent: Friday, April 17, 2015 3:35 PM Subject: [New post] In case of undignified death . . . #yiv5581538347 a:hover {color:red;}#yiv5581538347 a {text-decoration:none;color:#0088cc;}#yiv5581538347 a.yiv5581538347primaryactionlink:link, #yiv5581538347 a.yiv5581538347primaryactionlink:visited {background-color:#2585B2;color:#fff;}#yiv5581538347 a.yiv5581538347primaryactionlink:hover, #yiv5581538347 a.yiv5581538347primaryactionlink:active {background-color:#11729E;color:#fff;}#yiv5581538347 WordPress.com | Vadasmaker posted: “I have left Jim instructions to follow in the event that I meet an undignified end. Unfortunately, he likes to think he has a mind of his own. I could debate that all day long, but there may not be time. So, since I clearly can’t trust him, here’s some sh” | |

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    Comment by Doug Kelley — April 17, 2015 @ 6:18 pm | Reply

  4. I’ll be there to make sure your wishes are granted. I’m printing them now and will store them in my safe deposit box along with my own funeral wishes.

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    Comment by Pkannady — April 17, 2015 @ 6:45 pm | Reply

  5. I am willing to pitch in….

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    Comment by Lily — April 17, 2015 @ 11:44 pm | Reply

  6. Do we have any age limits on these requests? I’m thinking the thong idea might not be so great if you die on the toilet thirty years from now (when the odds of death in that particular place go way up because, well, you’ll be spending so much more time there). On the other hand, you’d need that pushup bra more than ever before. But whatever you want, you’ll have a group of enforcers to see to it.

    Like

    Comment by Audrey — April 18, 2015 @ 3:19 pm | Reply

    • I just figure that the older I’ll get the squishier I’ll get. You can use, like, a boot horn, like to get your boots on.

      “She could never be a saint, but she thought she could be a martyr if they killed her quick.” ― Flannery O’Connor

      On Sat, Apr 18, 2015 at 3:19 PM, Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy wrote:

      >

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      Comment by Vadasmaker — April 19, 2015 @ 2:09 pm | Reply


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