Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

March 4, 2015

Oh, Jon. How could you?

My whole world is falling apart. Seriously. The tragic situation can be summed up in two words.

Jon. Stewart. I got the news in class. Normally, I’d just let my phone vibrate until it quit, but I caught a glimpse of the text. The worst possible news. My head hit my desk. Face first. I was that distraught.

Holding out a hand, I whispered, “Stop. Please. Stop everything.” This is the class that people in the next room have to come over and beg for quiet, so naturally they paid me no mind. I lifted my head. “Be. Quiet. Please.” Face meets desk again. “I need a moment.”

I heard them whispering, speculating on who might have died, or if I was having a stroke or something. Because I’m, you know, old.

When I finally pulled myself together, I sat up.

“Jon Stewart,” I said, “is leaving the Daily Show.” I expected gasps of shock and dismay. What I got was a few looks of sympathy and a reminder that Stephen Colbert had also left his show, but he hadn’t gone far.

Stephen Colbert! Ha! I laugh at that. He didn’t leave a show. He left a character so he could do a different character on a different network. And while he may not have gone far, he went too far for redemption. He jumped on the Turncoat Turnpike, exited on Deserter Drive, took the first right, and left his keys with the Dark Side valet before we even knew he was gone.

Stephen Colbert, indeed! I did what anybody else would do when faced with blasphemy. I took the girl’s nose ring and two studs from her lower lip and told her she could have them back when she apologized.

But I digress. The tragedy of Jon’s departure is compounded by the fact that he gave not one thought about how his decision would affect me. Clearly he lives by the philosophy that it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.

The man misunderestimates me.

I have given Jon Stewart the best hours of my life. I sat on a sidewalk in the April heat for three hours to see him in person. In the studio, I was separated from him only by the cloud of Aqua Net emanating from a group of big haired women from New Jersey. I’m fairly certain I will develop COPD in the near future, but I don’t suppose that matters to him.

But what will I do? Who will I watch? Jimmy Kimmel? Seth Myers? That guy with the big jaw? The horror! Worst of all, how am I going to know where Jon is and what he’s doing? Who will tell me what colleges Nathan and Maggie get into? Will Tracy ever reopen Moomah’s? Will Jon ever give up on the Mets? Who will alert me when John Boehner is being an ass?

Oh, wait. That’s a given. Still.

It’s the end of an era. Never again will I conclude my morning Sit and Stare session with Fruit Loops and Jon Stewart telling me what those asshats in Washington have done now. Never again will I snort milk out of my nose at his impersonation of Lindsey Graham—“Oh! We’re all going to die. I’ll swan”—or Mitch McConnell—“Yuup.” My moment of Zen will have passed.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go lie down with a vinegar cloth on my forehead.

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3 Comments »

  1. Probably only a few understand your distraughtedness. Of course, I am one.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Becky — March 4, 2015 @ 4:16 pm | Reply

  2. You know what’s funny? When I heard Jon say he was leaving, my first thought -first thought, mind you- was what affect this would have on YOU! Oh and then I was mad at him for leaving. How dare he leave me when the only sanity there is in the world of TV comes from him! Steven was a character, Jon is my brain.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by pony-tale — March 4, 2015 @ 4:39 pm | Reply

  3. Just wanted you to know that as soon as I heard the news I immediately turned to my husband and said, “I don’t even want to think about what this is going to do to Carol.” Honest. My first words. 🙂

    Like

    Comment by ritterames — March 10, 2015 @ 3:00 pm | Reply


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