A re-post. Because it’s that time again.

I know the parades have merged this year, but talking about that wouldn’t be funny. You know. The way good news isn’t really news? So here you are.

You’re welcome.

Did you steal Christmas? Because I know I didn’t. I wasn’t even there when it was stolen.

Seriously. Are we really going to do this again? I guess if the goal is to piss off Jesus, we are. Like we haven’t pissed him off enough already by saying he said things he didn’t and that he was against things he wasn’t, and really just plain making up stuff about him. Like he’s not going to know? Really, people. I mean, he’s the son of God. Not much gets past him.

But here we are again. It seems like it was just last year that somebody stole Christmas. Oh. Wait. It was  just last year. Christmas. It’s the only thing I know that can be stolen over and over and over.  Of course, there’s always disagreement as to whether somebody actually stole it or just declared war on it.

I guess the theft/war is what resulted in the two Christmas parades we now have in Tulsa. Oh. Excuse me. One is a holiday parade, and one is a Christmas parade.

The holiday parade is a heathen bacchanalia held downtown for the last bazillion years. The other is an actual Christmas parade that travels from The Mall Jesus Built, AKA Tulsa Hills, heading east, held for the last couple of years. And you may not know this, but there were like 300 million people there last year. Give or take a hundred million. I knew it’s true. I heard it on Fox News.

According to the organizers of the Christmas parade, Jesus is not a big fan of downtown Tulsa. In fact, he’s not a big fan of anything north of 71^st street. And who could blame him? We’re short on Hummers and long on hybrids. We’re ethnically diverse. A little loosey-goosey when it comes to dictating behavior. Everybody knows Jesus is pretty rigid that way.

So anyway, we’ve got these two parades, the Official Jesus Christ is Lord Parade and the Heathen Holiday Spectacle.

You know why one is a Heathen Spectacle and the other is the Official Jesus Christ is Lord Parade? I mean, besides the fact that Jesus won’t drive downtown? It’s apparently because the Heathens didn’t get the email God sent, you know, the one with all the rules and regulations?

They didn’t think to have cheerleaders for Jesus. You know why? Because they figured that wherever there was inclusiveness and kindness and do unto otherness, Jesus was sort of, you know, a given, at least for those who lean that way. Seriously. What kind of madness is that?

And if they had thought it necessary to feature cheerleaders for Jesus, they thought it would only be fair to have cheerleaders for Mohammed and Allah and Buddha and L. Ron Hubbard and the rest.

They let absolutely anybody participate—Christian, Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, Atheist, Scientologist, Avon ladies, Jehovah’s Witness, Weight Watchers, PFLAG. Even Unitarians, people. Now, that there will get you shot. At least until Obama takes everybody’s guns. After than you’ll just be beaten to death with a Bible. King James Version, because, you know, if it was good enough for Jesus . . ..

I don’t have a problem with being a Heathen.

What I do have a problem with is having people say that Jesus told them to tell me he disapproves of something I’ve done or will do.

Maybe if you have to announce to the world how spiritual you are, you’re not really all that spiritual. Maybe you’re just religious. And everybody knows religion is what killed Jesus.