Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

December 14, 2014

Caring for the Common Basket Case

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 4:30 pm

Stuff you need to know in case you meet one, love one, or are married to one (That “or” is there for a reason. Love and marriage do not necessarily go hand in hand. And please, do not look at me in that tone of voice. Really. You don’t know me.):

• First and foremost, humor her. There is no reason that this is a “her.” It’s certainly no one I know. I just find the use of “he” as generic pronoun sexist, arbitrary, unnecessary, and unbearable. Much like the specific “he”s of my world.

• Believe her when she says, “Stop that or I will cut you.” Mostly for your own safety. Because believe me, she will cut you.

• Do not touch her stuff. Her stuff becomes more hers when she is feeling all baskety and shit.

• In the absence of being asked a question, say nothing. Nothing. You can’t say a single thing that will make the slightest difference. And there is no point in crying. It never helps. And anyway, only pussies cry.

• Expect strange behavior. If, when driving say, north, on, I don’t know I-75, the CBC pulls even with a Hummer painted in OU’s colors and driven by a cute blonde in an OU hat with her cute blonde ponytail hanging out the back, and the CBC lowers her car window and shrieks, “You think you’re cute! Well, I got news for you. YOU’RE NOT CUTE!” then raises the window and drives away, just shut the hell up. If you can’t see that the CBC was provoked, you don’t deserve your status as caretaker.

• If the CBC says, “Hey. I’ve got a good idea,” do not ask questions. Just gather up all knives, ball bats, random firearms, and heavy items, lock them in the shed out back, and throw the key over the fence. You might even go ahead and throw yourself over the fence, just for good measure.

• Never, ever tell a CBC to buck up, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and all that bullshit. Maybe you’re the one who needs a caretaker. When you rid the place of knives, ball bats, random firearms, and heavy items, you probably didn’t think about the long-awaited 5th edition of the American Heritage Dictionary serving as a door stop. It may look harmless, but it weighs 16 ¾ pounds and it will leave a mark should you be hit upside the head with it.

• It may surprise you to know that the CBC roams the house at night. Not in a long black veil or a diaphanous white gown. Just in, you know, your regular sweats and UGGS and a Band of Heathens t-shirt. It might pay you to lock your door, but other than this, ignore any odd sounds. Unless you smell smoke.

• If the CBC decides to build a koi pond in the living room, don’t argue. Just go to Big Lots and get a Koi Pond Kit. I’m sure they have them. Big Lots has everything. Maybe pick up some rope and duct tape, too. You know, in case things go south. Really south.

• Pray the Prozac works. It is your last best hope of getting out of there alive.

You’re welcome.

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3 Comments »

  1. You’ve gone and done it now. I feel like being “all baskety and shit” is okay!

    Like

    Comment by Michelle Harris — December 14, 2014 @ 5:45 pm | Reply

    • It’s okay if it doesn’t last very long. 🙂

      If you don’t want people to write badly about you, you should have behaved better.–Anne Lamott

      >

      Like

      Comment by Vadasmaker — December 14, 2014 @ 8:27 pm | Reply

  2. It was hard to decide,but I liked that “baskety and shit” line the best, too. I completely understand. See 8:30 on the dot at my house. I can set the clock to my hot flash. I only get one, but it’s a doozy. I jump off the couch, tearing at my “Queen” t-shirt and announce “It’s freakin’ hot in here!” Then I rip open the front door and flap it like a giant fan for a minute. Next, I waddle inot the kitchen and make a tall slushy drink of Diet Sprite and Sonic crushed ice. Sometimes I add fruit juice or almond milk, then i waddle back to my perch on the couch. Usually it’s all over and my poor DH is still shaking his head and pausing the remote until I settle down.
    Sometimes, I have to start taking clothes off. It is the only time my sweetie gets distracted from “Charlie Rose.”

    Like

    Comment by pony-tale — December 15, 2014 @ 2:52 pm | Reply


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