Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

October 28, 2014

Christian, get thee behind me. Seriously.

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 11:50 am

Demons got you down? Is the head-spinning and throwing priests through windows wearing you out? Is that really the only Gap sweatshirt you own that doesn’t have pea soup stains on it?

If your answer to these questions is “Yes,” the Good News is here and you, my friend, are lucky as shit. It arrived before your career, like Linda Blair’s, went down the old toilet with all the extra pea soup.

When I read “God’s ER,” a story which occupied almost the entire front page of the Tulsa World on Oct.11, I was all like, “Oh my god oh my god oh my god! ISIS is conquered, Ebola is cured, Oklahoma’s education system is fixed, and those 1883 series Lucchese camel cheetah print boots I want are half-priced at Drysdales!”

I mean, if the only front page-worthy news is a piece of pseudo-journalism touting God’s E.R. (short for God’s Emergency Restoration), our planet must be in tip-top shape. In other words, “ARE YOU SHITTING ME?”

Seriously, people. When did the Tulsa World cease to be a newspaper and become The National Enquirer’s raggedy-ass sister? I don’t know what else to call it when it runs a front-page article on the successes of a local fundamentalist church’s demon chasers.

I am not saying that writing about religion—however weird some of their practices may seem to me—is not acceptable. For shit’s sake, we’re in Oklahoma, where glossolalia should be accepted as a second language in high school. Writing about religion, any religion, is absolutely acceptable and should be encouraged.

BUT NOT ON THE FRONT PAGE!

And if that’s not bad enough, get this: One of the volunteer’s at God’s ER is an AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER!! I am not making this up. Does this not terrify you? I mean, what if this guy isn’t exactly a whiz of an exorcist and a Nephilim follows him to work and jumps up in his face when said ATC is trying to bring in a plane from New York or somewhere? Are those pilots going to expect a demon to come between them and the tower? I think not. (And frankly, I pity the demon that does. Those New Yorkers don’t screw around.)

However, in the time-honored tradition of Blaise Pascal and covering all one’s bases, here are some suggestions derived from the article, just in case, you know, you suspect demon possession might be possible.

  1. Remember, the Bible is literally the word of God. If you’re, say, speed-walking in River Parks and you smell sulphur, walk on the Arkansas River to the other side and hope demons can’t do the same. Oh, and if you see a hungry whale, sprint.
  2. Read only the Bible, the books of Nicholas Sparks, and that Left Behind Everything else will lead you straight to the pits of hell. Rule of thumb: If the treacle does not induce sugar sweats and vomiting, put on the asbestos suit and get ready to roll.
  3. Do not, I repeat, do not, smoke marijuana, or, as we call it around here, the devil’s tobacco. Everybody knows its mind-altering properties open the door right up to Lucifer and his henchmen. And if that happens, you do not want to be caught up to your elbows in Cheetos.
  4. Immediately burn the Ouija board and destroy those classic Metallica CDs. I can’t speak to the Ouija board, but Metallica has more than once made my head spin.
  5. Forgive your enemies, even that skanky girl who slept with your boyfriend and stole your L’Oreal Alfresco Brick lipstick when you were 19.
  6. Make sure your forefathers didn’t curse you. I’m pretty certain mine were more concerned with staying alive during the Revolutionary War. Yeah, that’s right. I can join the DAR any time I want to fill out the paper work.
  7. If you buy a house, make sure the guys who inspect the foundation and wiring and look for termites are armed with Bibles, crosses, and Holy water in the event that any self-respecting demon would be caught in that neighborhood.
  8. If you require the personal services of God’s ER, make sure your demons are active Monday through Wednesday during hours of operation. Or, if you’re lucky and have an inmate to visit at Turley Correctional Center, you might could sneak in to one of the meetings there. Those are closed, because the people might be dangerous. And I am not talking about the inmates.
  9. Make sure Pat Robertson is on your speed dial.
  10. Finally, be prepared to pay dearly for the services of God’s ER, because I’m pretty sure they’re not covered by insurance. You’re sure-god going to need some bucks to help the director of that outfit pay for that bachelor’s in psychology and master’s in human relations she earned from two of our state’s finest schools.

Talk about Bedlam.

And now, since I’ve performed this public service and I know a loving God would totally want me to have those Luccheses (Have you seen the Catania stitch and lacing on that snip-toed piece of cowgirl haut coture?), I’m going to Drysdale’s. That’s just the emergency restoration I need.

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2 Comments »

  1. What about those 350 people they’ve trained? Those folks are running around somewhere in the greater Tulsa area, practicing their special brand of crazy on people. Better keep an eye out.

    Like

    Comment by Michelle Harris — October 28, 2014 @ 1:27 pm | Reply

  2. I am totally appalled that these demonites and demon-chasers are teaching school, driving police cars, and serving ice cream to unsuspecting innocents like me. Ok, well not innocent, but not nuts, either.I live most of my life in the real world, surrounded by people who are trying to make a living, trying to raise unimpregnated Okie daughters and unjailed Okie sons, and have a bit of ice cream in the freezer at the end of a long week.Isn’t life in Oklahoma stupid enough without PURPOSELY making it stupider? Help- I’ve Fallin and I can’t get up!
    I don’t buy a wicked god or a loving one – Gods and goddesses went out of fashion back in the toga days. I am for science, human beings behaving well toward each other and the planet and helping each other over the tough spots. Give me a casserole, not a castigation. Help me do my laundry, don’t support missions which have perfectly fine gods to ignore already. Give money to build wells and buy pigs, not castle to a god that you swear doesn’t have a body-hello?
    Imagine for one second if all the castles built for gods were turned into homeless shelters or melted down for gold and given to the poor—we could all sleep better. Another 6 million dollar metal barn mega-church is STILL an eyesore!

    Like

    Comment by pony-tale — October 29, 2014 @ 10:06 am | Reply


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