Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

August 15, 2014

Things to know before you voluntarily mow a lawn

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 5:25 pm

1. It’s entirely possible to develop blisters even when wearing work gloves.
2. Apparently, the oil and the gas don’t go into the same hole. Just saying.
3. When the orthopedic surgeon tells you it takes about a year for a rotator cuff to recover from being repaired, he doesn’t mean 7 months, 1 week, and 6 days.
4. If you choose to mow the lawn wearing flip flops, a t-shirt that says “Another straight person for gay rights,” and shorts with the words “Lake trash” across the butt, you’ll draw a crowd, and not in a good way.
5. You should add pink swim goggles because an eye-patch is unattractive on a woman your age.
6. An hour and 48 minutes of mowing in 90-degree heat after doing 54 minutes on the elliptical is not a good idea.
7. The crazy homeless girl with blue hair, hole-y, fishnet thigh-highs, and work boots, walking down the street playing a guitar–I am not making this up–will stop in her tracks, give up mangling “Riders in the Sky,” and stare at
you.
8. The rookie firemen who are practicing turning the corner by your house in their big red truck will shout at you, but not in a good way.
9. The goth guy with the studded dog collar, walking his pit bull with a matching studded collar, will cross the street to avoid you.
10. Raccoons can actually be driven out from under the porch in broad daylight when you get too close with a lawn mower.
9. Weed whackers are not nearly as leg-friendly as you might think. Plus, they’re heavy as shit.
10. Selling the lawnmower to a passerby for $10 will prevent you from ever doing this again. And you do need protection, because you are stupid, stupid, stupid.

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