Stuff I may not have told you and that you may not want to hear but it’s my blog

You know how I hate to leave a thought unspoken, unwritten, or randomly blurted? Well, I do, so sometimes my blogs repeat themselves (notice how I deflected responsibility for such repetition?). So I may or may not have published this stuff before, but not all together, so actually it doesn’t count.

Wow. Just goes to show that if you talk long enough you can absolve yourself of nearly anything. Calling waterboarding “baptism for terrorists.” Rape. Making up shit for your campaign commercials. Abuse of any living thing.

On to the flotsam and jetsam.

My original guess as to who bombed the Boston Marathon

A Black/Muslim/Hispanic, tofu-eating, Wall Street-occupying, Obama-loving, gun-stealing, abortion-having, illegal alien-harboring, gay marriage-supporting/traditional marriage-destroying, food-stamp mooching, anchor baby-having evil-doer.

Oops. Turns out it was two naturalized citizens who made a decision to commit a heinous act. Obviously, I did not see that coming.

Things that the President shoulda/coulda/mighta said but didn’t

• “You might not get to keep your insurance. You might have to have better insurance. It’s even possible your employer may stop providing you insurance and the cost of any as a consequence of the Affordable Care Act is more than you can afford. I might not have considered all possible consequences.”
• “Ok. Ok. We bugged ‘em. Not like it hasn’t been done before. Patriot Act? Indonesia? Australia? Huh? Huh? What about that? Do what? Angela Merkel’s cell phone was off limits? Oops. My bad.”
• “I did not kill Bin Laden all by myself. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t even there. I’m sorry. I thought that was a given. Seriously, people. Some things shouldn’t have to be spelled out.”
• “No, Guantanamo Bay hasn’t been closed. I’m sorry. I had good intentions, but things didn’t happen the way I hoped they would.”
• “Calm the f%#k down. The first lady is not trying to establish a death panel. All she wants is for you to eat more broccoli and fewer Big Macs.
• “Hey! I’m the President of the United States. I could ride a bicycle up Pike’s Peak backwards in a thunderstorm and you’d still think I was a know-nothing, nappy-headed ass-hat who got where he is by playing the ‘race card,’ but how about a little respect for the office? Is that too much to ask?”

Embarrassing things I’ve done that I might not have told you (and it’s a wonder there are any)

• Took a picture of a cat turd with my iPhone to prove to Jim that it is a turd and not a clump of catnip. I’m still writing my argument that it was his psycho cat and not my clearly rational cats.
• Sat in my car putting on my cold boots which had been in the trunk overnight, got my finger stuck in the stiff bootstrap, and fell out of the car. I wish I’d made that up.
• Got my head stuck in my master’s hood when trying to remove it after commencement. Thank God for the woman standing next to me, because, you know, Blanche Dubois and I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. Not that she ever got her head stuck in a masters hood.
• Due to an unfortunate series of events, also at commencement, I was lost for 15 minutes trying to return to my seat from the ladies room. Stupid Google maps.

And finally, words of wisdom

• Never tell anyone the jeans you’re wearing are revolutionary, butt-lifting jeans. Not that I would wear them. I’m just saying. If you do wear them, just pretend your butt always looks that good.
• In that same vein, don’t tell anyone you’re wearing a back-fat bra, much less try to explain its function (which should be obvious).
• If someone tells you something “for your own good,” it probably isn’t.
• You don’t have to marry or have a relationship with someone of the same sex. Maybe that one time in college, but if you did, that was just curiosity satisfied. Probably. I couldn’t say for sure, because, you know, that wasn’t me.
• Not everything can be explained. Justin Bieber, Newtown, why a certain school’s commencement speaker was a member of one of the most anti-education administrations in the history of the state. Not a criticism, just an acknowledgement of the inexplicable.
• Even if you do have the words in print on a poster, a plaque, or a t-shirt or on your Facebook page, never, ever dance like nobody’s looking. Somebody is always looking, a fact that will come back to haunt you.
• Never bring a cow bell to a sporting event. It will not end well.
• And speaking of Facebook, if you post a statement that’s debatable, please, expect debate. Suck it up, put on your big boy/girl boots, and keep it civil.