Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

April 22, 2014

Pardon me!

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 5:49 pm

Almost everybody, and by “almost everybody,” I, of course, mean “everybody but me,” knows that the POTUS has the ability to pardon people just as he pardons the Thanksgiving turkey (after which I’m sure that each pardoned turkey launches a weeklong drunk to celebrate that pardon. Then he probably goes back to the turkey farm where the other turkeys give him a tribal tattoo, take away his right to vote and own a gun or to live within 500 feet of a school or park. Being pardoned doesn’t mean you’re not guilty, dude).


I read up on this presidential pardon racket (not extensively, you understand. Just enough to write this blog) and discovered that a president can pardon people who haven’t even been charged with a crime, much less convicted. Many presidents, in fact, seem to pardon people just to piss other people off, and, in order to avoid repercussions, often do so in the last days of their final term. The only real caveat seems to be that the “crime” for which one needs to be pardoned has to offend at the federal level.


After I pondered this information for a while, I said to myself, “Self, it would be totally awesome to have that power.” I even made a list. However, keep in mind that I actually have a life, and even if I had 10 lives I couldn’t carve out enough time to enumerate every crime of every idiot on the planet. And I’m not saying I would pardon all these people, but they’re people who might be pardoned if the person doing the pardoning is more forgiving than I am.


I did not investigate the ratio of verbal to physical offenses, but I think what people say is lots funnier that what they do. Sometimes what they do really is a crime, and I do not want to go down that road.


Below are a number of public figures, mostly politicians. The crimes I’ve cited are not the only ones, or the most egregious. Seriously. Choosing from the veritable cornucopia I had at my disposal, by which I mean the Internet, depleted both my energy and my usually endless store of sarcasm, so I’ll have to lie down for a while when I’m done here.


  • Todd Akin: (cancer of the science gene. This guy knows less about science than I do, and as you know, I blew myself off my porch.) “If it’s a legitimate rape the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
  • Ted Cruz: (pot calling the kettle black) After being asked if he thought the rule changes made by Harry Reid would complicate the work of the Senate: “Of course it will. I mean, it will poison the atmosphere of the Senate.”
  • Sarah Palin: (inability to use the English language–and looking good while mangling it, the last of which is simply unpardonable) At a Tea Party Rally: “Polls are for strippers and cross-country skiers.”
  • Joe Wilson: (disrespecting the office of the POTUS. While being a dick.) Shouted during a joint session of Congress: “You lie!”
  • Eric Boling: (head trauma is all I can think of to account for this one) “America was certainly safe between 2000 and 2008. I don’t remember any attacks on American soil during that period of time.”
  • Fox News: (impersonating a news organization. And employing the Couch-Occupying Fucktards-Triple Threat, Bozo, Bimbo, and Ditto) I don’t have any one example. Just turn it on for 10 minutes. You’ll find a butt-load of them.
  • Sean Hannity: (inability to read a dictionary) “Here you are, you’re a liberal, [and you] probably define peace as the absence of conflict. I define peace as the ability to defend yourself and blow your enemies into smithereens.”
  • Rick Santorum: (Sheer stupidity) “I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money; I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money.)
  • Ann Coulter: (tasteless insensitivity) “My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is that he did not go to the New York Times building.”
  • Michelle Bachman: (making shit up) ”I will tell you that I had a mother last night come up to me here in Tampa, Florida, after the debate. She told me that her little daughter took that (HPV) vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation thereafter.”


And guess what? Democrats need pardons, too.

  • Joe Biden: (insensitivity and racism combined with failure to notice that he’s being filmed) “You cannot go to a 7-11 or Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking.” I could go on and on with Joe—he’s a gaffe a minute.
  • POTUS himself: (total desecration of the sacred Vulcan mind-meld) I’m presenting a fair deal, [and] the fact that they don’t take it means that I should somehow do a Jedi mind-meld with these folks and convince them to do what’s right.” Of course, I don’t know if he can pardon himself, although I guess Hillary can give him a retroactive pardon, when she’s, you know, president.
  • Helen Thomas: (anti-semitism) “Jews should get the hell out of Palestine and go home to Germany and Poland.” Don’t you judge me. Screw all that not speaking ill of the dead crap. I think Anne Lamott said it best, and I’m paraphrasing here—if people wanted to be written about more warmly, they should have behaved better.
  • Chris Dodd, while on the campaign trail: (accidental transparency): “Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again.”
  • Harry Reid: (racism) Speaking of Barack Obama: “… [he’s] light-skinned,” and with “no negro dialect.”
  • Former Congressman Eric Massa: (believing himself exempt from contempt (ha! I made that one up)) When accused of groping a male staffer. “Not only did I grope him. I tickled him until he couldn’t breathe, and then four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday. It was kill the old guy. You can take anything out of context.”
  • Anthony Weiner: (not recognizing his own junk) “I can’t say with certitude [that lewd picture isn’t me].”
  • Hillary Clinton: (logical fallacy) “I have to confess that it’s crossed my mind that you could not be a Republican and a Christian.” That may not be a crime to you, but try grading 40-50 essays sprinkled liberally with fallacies.
  • Mary Frances Barry: (inability to read critically) “Civil rights laws were not passed to protect the rights of white men and do not apply to them.”
  • Bill Maher: (hyperbolic bigotry) “I think religion is a neurological disorder.”




  1. Best. Blog. Ever. Really, for so many reasons.


    Comment by Michelle — April 22, 2014 @ 8:34 pm | Reply

  2. I agree wholeheartedly, except for Bill Maher. He should be pardoned for much worse comments than that one.( I happen to agree with him 99.44% of the time.) Seriously though, can’t POTUS pardon the Gitmo Crowd? Or the lady in prison for 20 years for selling a tablespoonful of dope? Or the Supreme Court for rectal-cerebral inversion?He could suffer carpal tunnel syndrome from signing pardons, from here to the beginning of Hilary’s first term.


    Comment by Pony-tail girl — April 23, 2014 @ 8:28 am | Reply

  3. I agree wih Michelle, above. Best. Blog. Ever!


    Comment by PK — April 24, 2014 @ 8:16 am | Reply

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