Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

February 23, 2014

Things to do in the dead of night

Filed under: Blogroll — Vadasmaker @ 9:39 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

I think I might be becoming undead. You know. A zombie. Because I don’t sleep, and, as everybody knows, zombies don’t sleep. It’s in their Constitution. Article III, Section 2. Google it.

As the Queen of Sleepless Nights, I’m something of an expert on the do’s and don’ts of sleeplessness. I mean, you can sit and stare for only so long.

  1. Watch shopping channels. They’re on all night long, people! Just don’t buy the inflatable furniture. In your sleepless stupor, you may not realize what you’ve done, and when you remember it, you will be sorely surprised to discover that it costs more to ship it back than it did to buy it. On the other hand, in the list of the Weird Tales of Things You Have Done, it will be second only to the one where You Blew Yourself Off the Porch. I mean, if you had actually done that. Which probably no one has. And by no one, I mean me.
  2. Order the DNA kit for only $99 more. Once you get it, you’ll be kept busy spitting in a test tube for an hour or two. By then you’ll be thirsty and remember that Diet Pepsi in the refrigerator, which you’ll drink, and trips from the computer to the bathroom will occupy the next several hours. Plus, in only 6-8 weeks, when somebody says, “Who’s your daddy?” you might be able to answer with some degree of certainty.
  3. Search Facebook for all the people you can remember from high school and Friend them. You can spend the whole next night unfriending them. Two birds with one stone, sort of.
  4. Alphabetize your CDs. Before you start, take some time to decide where you’re going to put Love Songs from the Seventies and The Time-Life Rhythm and Blues Collection. I know people who have 186 CDs piled in the corner of their offices because they didn’t figure that out to begin with. Nobody in particular. Just, you know. People.
  5. Clean your shoe closet, also known as the guest room, and separate them into boots, pumps, flats, sandals, running shoes, and those clogs you bought when you were 16. Separate them further into those you’ll keep and those you’ll give away. Ha! Just kidding. Who’s going to give away shoes? Seriously.

Of course, there are some things you shouldn’t do during your sleep hiatus, because boy, will you hate yourself later.

  1. Don’t, under any circumstances, study any part of your body in the lighted, magnified mirror you got from the periodontist. It will not only horrify you, but it will make you want to take a hatchet to your dermatologist, your dentist, the aesthetician who shaped your eyebrows, and that  electrologist in the strip mall on I-75. Not to mention the periodontist who sold you the mirror. Stupid periodontist.
  2. Don’t dig out the three and a half pair of sunglasses from the junk drawer and try to piece them together to make one pair. Yes, I know they’re Ray-Ban Classic Wayfarers, but believe me, it’s cheaper to buy another pair than to go to the ER to get your super-glued finger separated from the lens. That’s what I hear anyway. I mean, really. Can you imagine anyone stupid enough to actually do that? Yeah. Me, neither.
  3. Don’t re-read The Exquisite Corpse. One, you’ll have to buy it again since you shredded it last time you finished it, and fat chance Poppy Z. Brite will ever buy a single one of your books, and two, how much time do you really want to dwell on gay, serial-killing, necrophiliac cannibals? Not-that-there’s-anything-wrong-with-that.
  4. Don’t start trying on clothes that haven’t fit since 1987. They still won’t fit. Trust me on this.
  5. Don’t go to Walmart. Yes, I know they’re open 24 hours, but at least 4 of the hours between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. belong to people who aren’t allowed in Kmart or Target, and which four hours those are is a well-kept secret.  Kept by Walmart, of course. And anyway, do you want to bump shopping carts with anybody who’s barred from Kmart and Target? I didn’t think so.

1 Comment »

  1. Or drink turkey juice while being massaged to KEnny G. music. Guaranteed sleep.
    And anyone who reads college-level ( I mean 5th grade level) essays shouldn’t have an insomnia problem. More like a stay coherent problem.
    When I was in the Navy, I could fall asleep in 5 minutes flat! All I had to do was crack open the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice, for civilians) and whammo!


    Comment by Pony-tail perv — February 24, 2014 @ 9:32 am | Reply

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