Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

January 29, 2014

Rules of thumb for the shit-storm that is my life.

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 6:01 pm

• In the middle of a torrential shit-storm (and they’re all torrential), do not open email from journals to which you’ve submitted stories. Nothing good will come of that. You are, after all, in the middle of a shit-storm.
• Don’t go shopping for eyeglasses in a shit-storm. You’ll make tragic choices and end up looking like Woody Allen.
• Put on your I’m-impervious-to-shit-storms hat and wear it 24/7. Yes, even in bed. What, you think he’ll notice? Are you on crack? He doesn’t even know you’re there, much less there with protective headgear.
• Don’t look up. There’s nothing worse than drowning in a shit-storm. Think of the obituary that would make.
• Take refuge in cats. They spend half their time in litter boxes, so they don’t mind a little shit-storm. Perhaps they can teach you some grooming techniques.
• Don’t talk to spouses, friends or co-workers. They love you and believe you’re capable of things you aren’t. They’ll only advise you to go placidly amid the noise and haste that is the shit-storm. The Desiderata of the shit storm, so to speak. These people clearly do not know you.
• Wear your Sunday boots. You know you won’t be kicking any ass, but you could if you wanted to, and you could do it in style.
• Never, ever let anyone see you cry. Everybody thinks crying in the rain is romantic. They totally get that, but only because songs have been written about it. Nobody ever wrote a good song about crying in a shit-storm.
• Don’t tell yourself this is the worst shit-storm ever. Remember the cosmic rule that as soon as you say it can’t get worse, it will.
• Don’t believe anybody who says what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Clearly, those people are idiots.
• And if you can’t remember any of that, at least remember that you survived that linguistics class taught by Satan himself, so you can outlast any shit-storm you get caught in.

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4 Comments »

  1. Fine advice, Carol. You also might avoid those who suggest “God will never give you more than you can handle.” They are clearly either idiots or just people who have never visited someone spending time in an in-patient mental health facility. Nor are they aware of the vast array of pharmaceuticals available to and used by those who have, in fact, been given way, way more than they can handle. I hope your personal storm is over soon.

    Like

    Comment by Audrey — January 29, 2014 @ 6:28 pm | Reply

  2. Those idiots who talk about gods giving you just enough to handle haven’t buried a child or lost a dog or visited a nursing home recently.
    A god I could relate to wouldn’t give me shit to handle in the first place but pet me on the head and tell me the unneeded headgear looks perky, makes my fat butt look like chocolate, and teaches me French by osmosis.
    Voila!
    Shit-storms are here to stay. They are what make boredom so enticing. Get an umbrella and go dancing! C’est Facile!

    Like

    Comment by lottie — January 29, 2014 @ 8:10 pm | Reply

  3. Carol, I just found your blog on my Pinterest page (something I rarely look at but hey, I’m teaching myself to crochet) anyway… I’d forgotten how much I love reading your work. Thought provoking addictive giggles is the best description I can come up with.

    Like

    Comment by valerie gawthrop — January 30, 2014 @ 4:41 pm | Reply


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