Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

December 7, 2013

Persecution? Really?

You’re being persecuted how? Oh, I see. There are two parades which are in separate areas of town on different weekends and do not conflict with each other, but only one is officially called a “Christmas” parade. Out of over 600,000 people, 400 were polled. Of those 400, 280 think the “Holiday” parade should be forced to change its name to “Christmas” parade. And yet, so far, that hasn’t happened.

And you’re being persecuted. Really? I beg to differ. I am the one being persecuted. I offer the following evidence:

  • I went to the doctor, and Fox News was playing on the waiting room TV. How dare she force me to watch this? Let’s turn it to MSNBC and hide the remote.
  • The woman across the street just returned from protesting legalized abortion.  I think politicians should keep their hands out of my lady parts. Clearly, that woman is wrong and should be stoned.
  • There’s another marathon, concert, gathering, fill-in-the-blank, downtown, and I’m going to have to drive an entire mile out of my way to avoid the crowds. Who are they to think I should have to be inconvenienced? Here. Hold my place while I get the pepper spray and fire hoses.
  • I’m minding my own business, eating a steak. The guy two booths down and across the aisle is all up in my face eating nothing but vegetables. Where’s a straitjacket when you need it?
  • There’s a woman wearing fur. I don’t like that. Not one little bit. Who took my bucket of blood?
  • The family next door has a nativity scene on the lawn. There goes the neighborhood. Pack up, Honey. We’re moving.
  • Look! Look at all the cars in the Walmart parking lot! Boy. Just wait till they come out and see my fluorescent orange opinion on their cars.
  • Oh, dear God. Will you look at the number of kids in that family? Get the—I don’t know. Whatever it is you use to forcibly sterilize somebody.
  • A colleague has a bumper sticker supporting marriage as the union of one man and one woman. If you ask me, he should be fired then promptly set afire. Sounds like a solution to me.
  • See that Escalade with the Bush/Cheney sticker? I’m going to ram it with my Honda Civic.
  • That’s the fifth Jesus is Lord T-shirt I’ve seen today. We are being invaded by people wearing T-shirts I wouldn’t wear. Better they should be naked. Where are my scissors?
  • There’s a Bible in my hotel room. What kind of unspeakable conspiracy is this? I am checking out via the fire escape lest they catch me in the lobby and try to gang-save me.

I feel your pain. Truly. Unfortunately, if there’s any justice in this world, you’ll have to deal with such “persecution” the way most of us do.

Get. The. Hell. Over. It.

Seriously, people.



  1. Somebody call the proper authorities. Carol’s gone militant on us.


    Comment by Michelle — December 7, 2013 @ 2:03 pm | Reply

  2. I think if “Christmas Parades” were to be truthful, they should all be nativity scenes and throw out gold frankincense and myrrh. (What is myrrh anyway – something a harelip cat says?) Any way, Holidays can be Fire sales, white sales, Hannukkah, St. Patrick’s Day, or St NIck’s Day. Or even Christmas or Winter Solstice. Who says we have to leave that one out?
    A holiday parade might include Santa, reindeer, snowmen, penquins, trees, and presents and elves, and angels, shepherds and baby jesus–ALL PARTS OF THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!
    How many people -even christians – would show up to an “all nativity scene parade with no candy, no Santas , no presents, Elves, or Eggnog”? 4?
    I love to celebrate the birth of the SUN! I want to give presents and kiss under the mistletoe. I am not moved to buy new pillow cases or drink green beer OR DISPLAY A Broken plastic NATIVITY SCENE IN MY YARD.
    And while we’re at it, the same Chrispies who get all worked up about Keeping the “Christ” in christmas – seem to go haywire at the mention of the MASS! part. Catholics worldwide snicker – and they have so little to snicker about these days. No self-respecting baptist/bornagain/pentecostal, etc, wants anything to do with Mass!! except perhaps “Mass” hysteria.


    Comment by ponytail girl — December 9, 2013 @ 9:46 am | Reply

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