Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

November 21, 2013

The weirdities of life and other things that make me thankful

I noticed on Facebook that everybody was naming something they were thankful for every day this month. I log on there about three times a week and read them, and then I think to myself, “Self, you really are some kind of weirdo. You are thankful for the most random, unimportant stuff.”

Which isn’t completely true. Of course I’m thankful for kids, cats, colleagues, husband, all the people who have loved me when, let’s face it, I wasn’t loveable, job, health, blah blah blah. I would think that’s a given. But how about these, for which I’m also thankful:

  • Nobody can force me to watch Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo.
  • Bota Boxes. It’s wine. In a box. Two glasses at a time. Perfect. Not that I have a problem. At least not with substances.
  • Thunder and lightning and cold fronts and mild earthquakes. Because I get bored, people. You try being a normal human be—oh. Right. My bad.
  • The fact that I’ve never looked out my window at 3 a.m. and seen a man standing across the street wearing a raincoat and fedora, smoking a cigarette, watching my house. I don’t know why I haven’t seen that, but my guess is it’s because he’s behind that hackberry over there.
  • Duct tape. Not just because it’s the only thing keeping the side mirror of my car on said car, either.  Did you know you can also use it to keep an acrylic nail in place (and yes they are my nails. I paid for them. That makes them mine.) till you can to get the acrylic nail repair shop? The thing is, though, duct tape only comes in a size you might use to keep an amputated limb in place till you get to the limb repair shop. Therefore, you have to carefully cut a teeny piece to put on your nail. And no, I can’t use super glue. Some people have actually gotten their finger glued to their glasses or their other finger when trying that. Not me, of course, but I think an awesome invention would be some kind of safe word for super glue.
  • YouTube parties. Yes, there is such a thing. Well, by “such a thing” I mean that I can spend hours watching cats play pianos. But it will catch on.
  • People who write about serial killers. Because it would be, you know, weird to be thankful for serial killers.
  • Arkansas
  • Music by the soon-to-be-very-well-known and very famous-because-he’s-incredibly-talented Morgan John, which you can hear by clicking http://smarturl.it/CantBringMeDown
  • 5 Hour Energy.  As I’ve told you repeatedly, being me is a full time job, one that cannot be adequately accomplished without assistance.
  • teXas. Because it keeps the majority of teXans in one place so I can monitor their shenanigans.
  • Jon Stewart. Otherwise, how would I know who to be pissed at?
  • Eric Clapton. Because he is a god. But I’m telling you, if he doesn’t call pretty soon, I may grow tired of waiting.
  • That, as a teacher and a person, I am known as “gay friendly.” Everybody should be not only that, but also exuberantly, enthusiastically, inclusively, lovingly accepting of everybody who isn’t exactly like us. Oops. Was that a soap box? So sorry.
  • Elaine on Seinfeld. Because she makes me look like a good dancer.
  • Fried chicken gizzards. Oh, don’t you be judging me. Do I give you the stink-eye for drinking white Zinfandel or eating Big Macs? I do not. I may pity your lack of taste in every sense of the word, but I do not judge you.
  • Lessons learned:
    • Do not run down hardwood stairs in socks.
    • Siri and Gertrude GPS cannot be trusted.
    • Do not dry panties in the microwave.
    • Make sure your shoes match and your clothes are right-side out before you leave the house.
    • Never put any part of your body in the vicinity of a rogue stapler.
    • Do not leave your car on the side of the road because you think it might break down.
    • The streets in Boston do not always remain where they were last time you looked.
    • Screaming at the neighbor’s dog to Fut the shuck up while standing on your porch in your nightgown, UGGS, and a GAP sweatshirt in no way improves your already sketchy reputation in the neighborhood.
    • Sitting before insuring that the camp stool is behind you results in a loss of what little dignity you might have had before the unfortunate incident.
    • Popcorn
    • Diary of a Sad Cat
    • Having a bat for a day. OK, yes. I did run screaming when I discovered it was alive, but in my defense, I did the same thing with my ex-husband.
    • Words with Friends
    • Term limits
    • Being prettier than Charles Krauthammer. And smarter. Oh, I know he won a Pulitzer, but a lot of stupid people can write. And I will not provide examples, than you very much.
    • Not being Mary Fallin. I’d rather be Charles Krauthammer. At least he doesn’t even pretend to care about people.
    • The good driving habits of other people. It’s all that’s kept me alive this long.
    • Music by unknown and under-appreciated musicians like the Subdudes, Justin Townes Earle, Hayes Carll, Blackberry Smoke, Band of Heathens, James McMurtry, and Drive-By Truckers. Because they don’t care if Nashville cares about them, and I don’t care if Nashville cares about them either, because I care enough to make up for it.
    • This Land. Because they like me. They really, really like me.
    • Art teachers who, although they can clearly see that I will never paint anything that does not suck, let me stay in the class and tell me I don’t suck nearly as much as I once did.
    • And every single, solitary, undeniably weird and wonky person who reads my blog.
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6 Comments »

  1. Amen I say to all that!!! And am ‘Thankful” knowing I am saying it…

    Like

    Comment by Lily — November 21, 2013 @ 10:47 pm | Reply

  2. Aw, you like us, you really, really like us 🙂 And hey, that Morgan John is incredibly talented!

    Like

    Comment by Michelle — November 22, 2013 @ 12:46 am | Reply

  3. Hi, I have been hearing about “my-friend-Carol-who-is-an-amazing-writer” for some time now from our mutual amazing writer friend, Michelle Harris. She is correct. You have a great style an sense of humor. Looking forward to reading more. Thanks.

    Like

    Comment by Shannan — November 22, 2013 @ 7:52 am | Reply

    • Aww. Thank you. Michelle and I are the only two members of our mutual admiration society, but we welcome newcomers. 🙂

      Like

      Comment by vadasmaker — November 22, 2013 @ 10:12 am | Reply

      • I am a fan 🙂 Thanks to Michelle for sharing and you for writing. I cannot get enough humor in each day. May I apply for membership in the Mutual Admiration Society? I have references and Bota Box Cabernet

        Like

        Comment by Amanda Christian — November 22, 2013 @ 2:26 pm

      • Absolutely!

        Like

        Comment by vadasmaker — November 22, 2013 @ 3:05 pm


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