Where is Jon Stewart going, and why hasn’t he told me?

Jon Stewart (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Jon Stewart is going somewhere and I don’t know where. What is up with that? Seriously. Maybe I ought not be the first one he tells, but I shouldn’t be this far down the list. I’m sure his wife knows. His mother. His agent. His publicist. Jon Oliver. Samantha Bee. Jason Jones. I mean, come on.

At least Bill O’Reilly doesn’t know. That’s some small comfort.

I think he might be going to the Middle East. Not Ohio or West Virginia. THE Middle East. Where people kill you if you dis Mohammed. Which Jon does. Frequently. Someone is going to kill him. I just know it.

And John Oliver as guest host? Please. He’s all right, as Brits go, but I’d just as soon have Brian Williams. He’s cute. And funny. Not as cute and funny as Jon Stewart, but neither is Jon Stewart.

I think the whole world has gone crazy. Earthquakes in Oklahoma. Devastating tornadoes, caused, no doubt, because the President forgot to salute a Marine. Well, he did. Of course, that’s not a hanging offense, but it will certainly be beat to death on that bastion of reliability, Fox News. Or, as my hero (who has seen fit not to inform me of his future whereabouts) likes to call it, Bullshit Mountain.

And what’s crazier than people who make their living in government and get their health care through government and will retire and live in leisure through the government denying other people health care through the government?

Oh. Wait. I’m taking a vacation from politics. I forgot.

And anyway, I really shouldn’t concentrate on what’s gone wrong. It’s bad for my mental health. Some people say that boat has sailed, but I say they have unaddressed issues of their own and that they shouldn’t throw stones.

You’re welcome.

So here’s what’s right, or what has gone right lately. Or at least what hasn’t gone wrong.

• I did not get serial killed on a recent road trip. Or lost, for that matter.
• I did not curse in Sunday school.
• I did not go anywhere with anything on backwards, wrong side-out, or sideways, or wearing shoes that don’t match.
• I did not hit a curb on Riverside Drive and have a blowout. Seriously. Not recently. And even if I did—stupid curb.
• I did not wear a tube top. Not that it’s anybody’s business if I do.
• I did not hit the cats with the tube OKCU gave me in lieu of the diploma they’ll mail me later.
• I did not do anything when no one was looking that I wouldn’t have done if someone had been looking.
• I did not get my finger stuck in my boot loop while putting my boots on.
• I did not say, “Fut the shuck up” when a certain blonde, bimbo, I’ll-say-anything-to-get-elected-to-higher-office governor appeared on television. I may, however, have thrown up a little in my mouth. I may have said it correctly, though.
• I did not talk about me when the subject was not me. You have no idea of the toll that took.

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