Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

May 28, 2013

Things you clearly don’t know but which I will tell you

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 8:22 pm

This blog entry could go on forever. I’m not kidding. The things I know that other people don’t never ceases to amaze me, although I’m sure that the fact that I think I know things they don’t amazes other people.

I don’t want to keep anybody in the dark, so here goes.

  • Eric Clapton is a god. Just so you know.
  • If you’re inside and you’re wearing a cowboy hat, you’re not a cowboy. You can wear boots anywhere, anytime, because boots are universal, and because I do. But cowboy hats indoors—no.
  • A woman wearing a tube top in Walmart is not your business. Take my word for it. If she likes the way she looks, just shut up. Not. Your. Business.
  • “Yum” and “Yummy” are not words anyone over three years old should use. And while we’re at it, neither is “tummy,” unless you’re actually talking to a three-year-old.
  • If somebody says God told him or her to tell you something, it probably wasn’t God.
  • It doesn’t matter what fashion colors Depends come in. They are not okay as long as you are ambulatory. Not that I have reason to know. I’m just saying.
  • Child molesters and pedophiles don’t wear signs announcing their perversion (there is a Web site that will provide that information, at least regarding those who’ve been convicted of it, but, really, what’s wrong with just not leaving your kid with someone you don’t know? Any inconvenience to you is more than compensated for by a lifetime of not-totally-traumatized for your kid).
  • If you eat something whose description begins or ends with the words “Fire in the hole,” a resultant stomachache should not surprise you. You know who you are, and I love you. But seriously, dude.
  • That seat ¾ of the way down the third pew on the left doesn’t have your name on it, especially not if someone else’s butt is filling it. Sit somewhere else.
  • Nobody has a burning desire to see what you had for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, unless it’s a house pet. And I will unfriend you for that shit.
  • Revolutionary, butt-lifting jeans, don’t.
  • Don’t wear a Wonder Bra if you don’t want people to wonder what you have stuffed into those cups. You’re perfect just the way you are.
  • Not all great books are published, and not all published books are great.

That’s probably all the enlightenment the world can stand right now.


1 Comment »

  1. Eric Clapton is good huh? Good information to have. Thanks. I take is someone tried to roust you from your seat in the third pew on the left, 3/4 of the way down? What were they thinking? By the way, I knew that last one, not all great books are published and not all published books are great. Amen sister, amen! However, since I knew that you owe me another fact I don’t know. 🙂 fun as usual. Thanks Carol.


    Comment by Nita — May 28, 2013 @ 8:42 pm | Reply

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