Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

April 5, 2013

Hey, dumbass. It’s not a war till I SAY it’s a war.

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 4:22 pm

Korea. A police action. In which a couple million people died.

Viet Nam. A conflict. (And here’s a classic from that little “conflict”: Air Force colonel to reporters: “You always write it’s bombing, bombing, bombing. It’s not bombing. It’s air support.” Which brings us to another famous quote: “Well, excuuuuuuse me!”)

Afghanistan. An “operation.”

Iraq. Another “operation.”

Oh, all right, fine. They’re not operations. They’re wars. But boy, did we bring a buttload of shock and awe to the table, or what? We hit the ground running, chasing those terrorists up trees and down rabbit holes. And for good reason. Do we want terrorists terrorizing us? We do not.

So it’s a war. Do I want to tell the other guys, “This is a war. We’re going to invade your country and bomb the living shit out of it”? Absolutely not.

I do look good in a uniform, though. And fighting a “war on terrorism” sounds cool. And anyway, it’s a job. Not a bad one, really. And I know bad jobs. Like this one where this girl had to serve all these drunks and they got to pinch her and proposition her and sometimes get downright pushy with her—not me, of course. Just somebody I used to know.

I say let’s sign up. Open a big bucket of whup-ass on those terrorists. Learn skills that will carry us through life:

  • We will “free the oppressed and tyrannized, using assertive disarmament.” Where’s the harm in that? There are actual classes on assertiveness.
  • We will “change regimes.” Because nobody likes an unchanged regime.
  • We will learn the art of “clean bombing.” That just means we can aim for what we want to hit and hit what we aim for. Will we ever miss? It happens, and there may be some collateral damage (which is what we call the people we accidentally kill while trying to kill different people), but you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, am I right? And anyway, they’ll be people we don’t know.

As glorious as that all sounds, the job is not perfect. I’ve read up on it. For instance, we’ll sometimes have to consort with some sketchy characters. They’re called “enemy combatants.” They’re really just soldiers. Why don’t we call them that? Interesting story.

First, they aren’t even on our side. Second, if we call them “enemy combatants” instead of “enemy soldiers,” we don’t have to adhere to any silly old Geneva Convention nonsense. Why do we need some convention telling us not to torture anybody when we weren’t going to in the first place?

Now, we do sometimes have to use some “creative” or “enhanced” interrogation. What’s so bad about that? Enhanced things are good, right? You know, like breasts. Or benefits.

Don’t get me wrong. This interrogation is not only specific but exhausting, people. Monotonous, too. I mean, it’s strap ’em to the board, pour the water over the face, slam the head against the wall, break the fingers, day in, day out. There is a solution, though. It’s called “extraordinary rendition.”

Don’t try to remember all the jargon. Just think of it this way: When “enhanced interrogation” gets tiring, we can send these “enemy combatants” to other countries. And really, don’t let the fact that these countries routinely use torture to obtain information influence the decision to “export” the “combatants.” That information’s not going to jump out on its own. Besides, it’s like they say: Into every life some rain must fall. Of course, from the enemy combatants’ perspective it might be less rain and more shit storm, but still.

I guess if there’s a down side, it’s compensation, although, as you can see, the job is a kind of compensation in itself, what with the travel, free room and board, etc. We’ll be paid, of course, but I have to be honest with you. The pay isn’t that great.

Nevertheless, I would suggest re-applying at the end of your tenure. Apparently, the agency assigned to provide the benefits we’ve earned is somewhat overwhelmed. Oh, yes. Overwhelmed to the tune of 900,000
pending applications. Of course, if you have a place to stay, like with a relative, for a year or so, you absolutely will get what’s due you.

OK. I know. It all sounds kind of like a war, but it’s not. It’s just another huge organization, run by a bunch of dimwits who, in their wildest dreams, couldn’t actually fight a war on terror.

Somebody has to, though. I guess that would be us.



  1. Oh Carol, you’re always telling us the emperor has no clothes. Couldn’t you just leave us to our stupor? I’m so very tired of having to think critically–it’s simply exhausting.


    Comment by Michelle — April 5, 2013 @ 5:38 pm | Reply

  2. Here’s a quick solution to avoiding future “wars” that politicians start:

    1. Draft ALL politicians and/or their spoiled brat kids. Send them to all the hot spots—Afghanistan, Korea, Iraq et al.
    2. Make them finance their own weapons, uniforms & supplies. After all they make more money than anyone else from the influence peddlers on K Street in Washington.
    3. Put them on the front lines…no shirkers, no “administrative staff” people.
    4. Provide NO benefits or proper medical care if they return.
    5. Don’t allow them to run for public office based on their war “records.” This means Saint John McCain can no longer use his “hero” card anymore. He’s yesterday’s news.

    Bet we’d see an immediate change in the thinking on Capitol Hill…something these arrogant, pompous ass fools seldom do.

    Remember: Politicians START wars; everyone else FIGHTS them.


    Comment by Norm Rourke — April 9, 2013 @ 1:26 pm | Reply

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