Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

February 10, 2013

Things that piss me off

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 1:11 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

Danney Goble, God rest his soul, told me when I was in graduate school that someday I’d be like him in that I could take a syllabus to class, slam it onto my desk, and say, “This is shit I’m interested in.” I lack Danney’s brains and wit and straight-out guts, so I’m not there yet. So far, I’m only up to “This is my blog and this is shit that pisses me off,” but it’s a start.

So. You know what makes me angry? Things that should be banned by law and aren’t. Things I wouldn’t do and which are, therefore, wrong. Here’s a list, not necessarily in order of importance.

Reality TV. When the shows start to be about celebrating winners instead of humiliating the losers, I’ll revisit the subject.

Assault rifles. If you want an assault rifle, join the military.

Doors that don’t open automatically. Either all doors should or no doors should. Otherwise, people who run smack into them will look stupid. Not that I have. I’m just saying.

Words like “dialogue” and “impact” and “message” used as verbs. Really? We don’t have enough verbs? Those particular words are nouns. Get over it.

Signs with words that are misspelled.

“Baby bump.” Who says that? Nobody, that’s who. Not unless they’re spying on celebrities and speculating about that little poochy place in front, which might very well come from having too much pasta the night before. Or from not having enough fiber. Believe me, if I was a celebrity and you said I had a “baby bump” and I didn’t, I would sue your ass off.

Any publication that asserts something based on “sources close to whoever.” If there isn’t an actual, nameable source, it’s gossip.

Drones.  Blowing people off the planet without looking them in the eyes when you do it is a cowardly act, like a sucker punch on steroids.

Imaginary numbers. There’s no such thing. If I can’t use imaginary words, you can’t use imaginary numbers.

Chicken omelets. That’s just wrong.

People I don’t know who send me email and tell me they need help getting their book published. Like if I had that kind of power I’d waste it on somebody else’s book.

Hot water in the toilet. And the people who can’t see why that would be a problem.

Anyone who tells me I need to cleanse my body of toxins. Really? Toxins are all that hold me together. I’m keeping them.

Parents who scream at their kids in the grocery store and then slap the kid for screaming back.

Mary Fallin. Read the newspaper. You’ll be pissed off, too.

Re-purposing anything. There’s no such word, so quit saying it.

People who call me and then put me on hold. Are these people high, or what? That’s not how it’s done, and I’m not going to do it.

Ted Nugent. He gives rock and roll, gun owners, hunters, and anyone who hangs out with him a bad name.

Meetings. Any meeting. All meetings. Unless it’s to give me award, and the likelihood of that happening is roughly the same as the likelihood that Rush Limbaugh will utter an intelligent and unbiased sentence.

Writers who think they can shift point of view every time a squirrel farts. Failure to control point of view really is against the law. It’s in the Bible, ya’ll. Look it up. Exodus 34 says that when Moses came down from Mount Sinai, he didn’t know “his face was radiant.” You know why he didn’t know his face was radiant? BECAUSE IT WASN’T IN HIS POINT OF VIEW, THAT’S WHY.

The Kardashians. Paris Hilton. Nicole Ritchie. Any people who are famous for no reason other than that they’re famous.

People who kill people who kill people to send the message, “Don’t kill people.” And please note that nobody “messaged” anything.

Anybody who ever, ever defended rape or sexual abuse. Because there is no excuse.

Barbie dolls. They serve absolutely no purpose except to establish a standard no little girl can ever reach unless she’s a freak of nature.

Homophobes. Don’t even get me started.

Mean spirited comments about Michelle Obama’s butt. There’s nothing to criticize there. Maybe people who think there is ought to be looking in the mirror instead of out the window.

Apple. Is it really necessary to change every iPhone accessory every time a new iPhone comes out?

Students who tell me they didn’t finish their essay because they had to study for a history test.

Food snobs. I think a foot-long Coney from Sonic can be just as good as coq au vin or truffles. If you don’t think so, fine. Just keep it to yourself.

Now go forth and be pissed.

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5 Comments »

  1. Wow, I’m grateful I’m not on your extensive list of things that make you angry. I do share many (well, okay, most) of these views (well, okay, all). Well, okay, I have had a chicken omelet or two–I think they’re a form of re-purposing. But I don’t think there should be laws against them. That’s just asking for trouble.

    Like

    Comment by Michelle — February 10, 2013 @ 9:45 pm | Reply

  2. if we live in a culture in which we find so many exchanges frustrating, what does it say about the culture, and what does it say about us? Seriously, from the flippant to the socially significant to the arcane, there is a broad range of occurrences that we find offensive, on one level or another. But we are inundated with, surrounded by media that aggrandizes those involved, or at least finds them acceptable. So where does that leave us ( or them) in trying to maintain a civil society that runs for the good of all?

    There was plenty of stuff-that-pissed-Danney-off, much of it listed above. Linguistically he hated ‘vouns’ and ‘nerbs’, nouns used as verbs and the reverse. His personal ‘thrasher,’ was to cite a quote instead of a quotation. This would send him thrashing about the room making the air blue!

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Constance Murray-Goble — February 12, 2013 @ 12:16 am | Reply

    • I didn’t see Danney much, but I sure do miss knowing he’s in the world. It’s like there’s a Danney-shaped hole. There’ll never be another like him.

      Like

      Comment by vadasmaker — February 12, 2013 @ 11:49 am | Reply

  3. I concur! I have to add to the list that it is a FELONY to murder your husband1 How ridiculous is that? After 10 years, it is justifaible homicide or maybe even self-defense. I mean after all, he does continue to lay on the couch Breathing. It is enough to set anyone off!

    Like

    Comment by ponytail girl — February 12, 2013 @ 9:03 am | Reply

  4. I was going to point out the ones I liked, then I realized I liked them all. Amen!

    Like

    Comment by The Mess — February 15, 2013 @ 12:30 pm | Reply


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