Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

January 31, 2013

If you don’t like my driving, get off the &%#**& road! Or out of the water! Or whatever!

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 12:48 pm

It’s true my driving skills have been called into question. I have no depth perception. At any given time my right front tire has chunks of rubber either gone or hanging. Sometimes I forget to turn on the lights. And then I forget to turn them off. I can’t successfully back into anything—my driveway, a parking place, whatever. I can back out because you know, it’s pretty much just acreage behind me. With any luck it is. And I once went almost a year without making a left-hand turn. Seriously. I’ll drive a mile to keep from turning in front of oncoming traffic. I’ve probably had 7-8 citations in my life, half for speeding and half for running a yellow light.

I really don’t know what the big deal is with the yellow light. After all, it’s not like its red or anything. Still, it’s the law, and the city has been so helpful. A lot of traffic lights now have a countdown function that shows the seconds between the green light and the yellow light, so I know to slow down in preparation for stopping instead of barreling through as I’ve been accused of doing. What? You’ve never done that? Please.

Strangely enough, I can parallel park. And by parallel park I mean I can get between two cars and end up less than two feet from the curb. You may not think that’s so great—people in Sapulpa apparently found it entertaining, since they came out of their stores and offices to watch me do it—but considering the fact that I failed my first driving test because I hit the car in front of me when I was trying to parallel park between it and another one, any parallel parking is an epic feat.

However, I didn’t know people could lose their jobs over their lousy driving—even I haven’t managed that—yet—and when the crummy driver is a government employee! Well, you know what they say about those of us who work for the government—the common man is one DUI away from being fired, but it takes an act of Congress to fire a government employee.

Nevertheless, I just found out how to lose your government job. You’re quite enjoying your naval career when you take your ordinary minesweeper, see, and you get in it or on it or whatever, and you take off for somewhere that’s not the Philippines but somehow end up in the Philippines, and not just anywhere in the Philippines but a national park. That park is in the water, which is weird, but still. So somebody radios you and says, “Hey, you in the minesweeper. Don’t you see all those reefs? You’re in a national park. Get back,” or words to that effect. So you in your infinite wisdom throw out some bon mot along the lines of “Go f*%k yourself, don’t tell me how to drive my minesweeper, dick head.” And then you promptly run aground.

The bad thing—not that getting lost in a minesweeper and running aground somewhere you’re not supposed to be isn’t bad enough—but the really bad thing is that this minesweeper was the first ship to have men and women on it.

I’m just glad it wasn’t a woman driving. Trust me, if a woman had been in charge of steering that thing, we would never live it down. On the other hand, it might make my driving look better.

And remember—in the end, it is all about me.


1 Comment »

  1. I disagree–I think you perceive very deeply :), but it can’t be all about you, because it is definitely all about me. Write that down.


    Comment by Michelle — January 31, 2013 @ 2:35 pm | Reply

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at

Female Serial Killers

A psychologist explores the minds of women who murder

%d bloggers like this: