Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

January 20, 2013

Up all night

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 3:36 pm

I’ve been trying to go to sleep a different way, and by different, I mean without any prescription help. So far, I’m sleeping three hours out of every 24, usually from 6-9 a.m.

My lack of success here has led to some surprising discoveries, most of which I could have lived without. You might could live without them, too. If that’s the case, stop reading now, because, as I’ve said before, it’s my blog. I’ll bore you if I want, as long as you’ll put up with it.

First of all, you do not want to sleep that three hours with your face on your hand. If you do, you’ll wake up with one eye half the size of the other and your hand completely numb. Then, when that happens, you probably won’t be able to find the Preparation H, which, as everyone knows, is the only thing that will reduce swelling in your eyes. And if you can’t find the Preparation H, you might as well forget about going to church, unless you want to go to church with a bag over your head. Having a bag over your head might be suitable in a lot of instances, but believe me, going to church is not one of them.

Another thing is middle-of-the-night television.  I guess programmers think if you’re up in the middle of the night you’re disturbed, addicted, accidentally pregnant, Jesus-deficient, or all four. Those poor people are the targets of almost every channel. Well, except Showtime, which seems to be aiming for middle-aged men with a taste for women way too old and way too buxom to be wearing those short plaid skirts and knee socks.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Then there’s the problem with the combination of middle-of-the-night television and possession of a credit card, because every television channel not described above is riddled with infomercials. I can’t even tell you all the havoc that situation can wreak. Like, for instance, ordering a Jack White CD, or a Ryan Bingham CD which the reviewers clearly said was a return to his “rock roots.” And I have to say, those roots are way too hard, practically in the Metallica range.

That’s bad enough, but suppose you saw an infomercial for inflatable furniture. Not just an airbed. I’m talking bed, chairs, couch, and end tables. And you say to yourself, “Self, it’s a Christmas miracle”—or  whichever of your holidays you think produces miracles—“You know you never do have enough furniture for that once a year fish-fry.” So you order it, because it is, after all, only $99.

The next afternoon, you remember what you did, and you call the company and screech about how you changed your mind and they couldn’t be nicer, just telling you to ship it back as soon as you get it and they’ll refund your money, lickety-split, minus shipping and handling. Such nice people.

So it arrives in the mail and damn! Return postage is on you. Oh, well. $35, because furniture that’s going to be filled with air is a hell of a lot heavier than you’d think. Still. That’s what you get for ordering stuff in the middle of the night, and you’ll still get $64 back. But when they credit your card, you owe them $15, because, as it turns out, shipping and handling was $79. Furthermore, you can’t even fight it, because when you find that infomercial and look at it, right there in the lower right-hand of the screen in miniscule, albeit flashing, numbers, it says shipping and handling cost of $79 is non-refundable.

Not that this has ever happened to me, but I’ve heard stories, so it’s a definite possibility. Hide that credit card.



  1. Ah, I love you, my twisted sister. Your blog is my very favorite because it’s funny and you prove that I truly am NOT the only person that should be housed in the Rubber Ramada. BTW, when I try to sleep a “different way”, my hours are usually 4-6 am. By now I’ve watched every thing worth watching on Netflix, and too many to count of those NOT worth watching. I’ve worn out my Kindle, given Barkley such terrible haircuts he could only be saved by a professional groomer…yeah, I’m a disaster without Ambien.


    Comment by gloriateague — January 20, 2013 @ 4:18 pm | Reply

  2. To bad you can’t just count sheep!!!!


    Comment by Lily — January 20, 2013 @ 6:26 pm | Reply

  3. Wish I could, too. And I can. Count them. Forever.


    Comment by vadasmaker — January 20, 2013 @ 8:13 pm | Reply

  4. You just have a guilty conscience! You know you make me laugh so suddenly that I spray coffee out my nose and onto anything white and precious that is within 10 feet of me. I have rouined several blouses, a sweater and 2 folders full of critical information.
    Happy Dr. Inauguration Martin President Luther Barack King Obama Junior Day!


    Comment by ponytail girl — January 21, 2013 @ 9:53 am | Reply

  5. I just linked to you over on my blog post about infomercials .

    Whenever an infomercial comes on for the Snuggie I am tempted to call up and buy one so that I have something to smother myself with before Shamwow guy comes back on the TV.

    Read full post


    Comment by Irkitated — January 28, 2013 @ 7:22 pm | Reply

    • I always think I’ll write a story about someone who has no friends and the only people she sees are door to door sales people and the only other people she talks to are people on the informercials when she calls in to buy things she doesn’t need.


      Comment by vadasmaker — January 28, 2013 @ 9:27 pm | Reply

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