Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

January 17, 2013

Raising douche-baggery to an art form

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 6:02 pm
Tags: , , ,
I just returned from ten days in OKC, where I finished my last winter residency for my MFA. It was kind of awesome. New people in the program, new faculty. Even though I didn’t get lost getting there, I did get lost on the way to the library five blocks from the hotel. And I drove there on a flat tire, which I didn’t know was flat till somebody told me.
Hey! Don’t you be judging me. I drive a Honda Civic. And I was in Bricktown. One plus one equals bumpy as crap. A policeman changed it for me. My friend Connie took a picture of his butt. She didn’t give me one, though.

My roommate at the Residence Inn was the sweetest girl in the world, a devout Baptist. So we were watching Jon Stewart and there was Wayne LaPierre and his ridiculosity, and some guy screaming about 1776 going to happen all over again when Obama takes all our guns away–crybaby–and the inevitable comparison of the president with Hitler. And then it happened.

It wasn’t my fault. It was Mike Huckabee. He said that we don’t have a gun problem. We have a sin problem. Which is when I threw a half-eaten orange at the television and screamed–and yes, I know I’m probably going to hell anyway, if I believed in hell. Which I don’t–but I screamed, “Jesus F***ing Christ!” Which I should not have said and for which I immediately apologized to my roommate, who was, bless her heart, at a loss for words for the first time in days. So I used a soup spoon to push her big blue eyes back into her head.

I also apologized to Jesus, who I should have been apologizing to in the first place. And he was cool. He told me he’d already forgiven me, because that’s like, you know, what he does. He’s Jesus. Besides, he said, clearly, I was provoked, as would anyone be, or at least anyone whose knee doesn’t jerk every time a camera’s on him. And he also said that Mike Huckabee had raised douche-baggery to new heights. OK, maybe he didn’t say “douche-baggery,” but that’s what he meant. He was not pleased. And, just so you know, he agrees with me about Mary Fallin. Although he forgives her, and Huckabee, too, which I totally don’t understand. But I guess that’s why he’s Jesus and I’m not.

Jesus was right. I was provoked. Any reasonable person would be. What a bunch of paranoid, eye-rolling, head-in-the-sand morons. Somebody with an assault rifle kills a bunch of little kids and the advice from all the little men who need big guns to feel like big men is–wait for it–give teachers guns. I know. I’ve already done that rant. I just can’t get over the idiocy. Still, there’s nothing new I can say.

Well, maybe not nothing. I can’t remember when I had nothing to say. I do hate to repeat myself, but I think the same thing applies here as applies to middle-aged men with sports cars (not that there’s anything wrong with that), and that is, “Sorry about your penis.”


  1. Carol, this was the best Rumination to date! “Sorry about your penis.”
    I have heard a dozen rum-pots say, “Guns make Weak people strong.” So they admit they can’t find their weiner and need a big gun for a microscope?
    I remember when strength was measured by depth, not caliber. Size matters.
    No, you cannot stop a maniac with character, charm or wit, but do you have to BECOME one?
    What is the difference if “THEY” are killers and “YOU” are a killer? Nobody wins. Society stops being social. Terror and atrocities make all people lose their “personhood” card.
    We have to grow out of “us” versus “them” thinking if the planet is to survive without cavernous holes in it that used to be cities, and millions of corpses (themses and uses) in rotting piles.
    If life as we know it must continue with me crouching on my closet floor with a cocked rifle, I welcome the eternal dirt nap.
    Give me peace.


    Comment by ponytail girl — January 18, 2013 @ 8:51 am | Reply

  2. He lost it in that primary. Notice how irritable he’s been since then? I’m telling you, it’s a case of penisthievery.


    Comment by Becky — January 18, 2013 @ 5:41 pm | Reply

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