Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

January 12, 2013

Cats and rats

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 8:53 pm
Tags: , ,

I keep telling myself I ought to write my annual “Resolutions I’m Not Keeping,” but I think I’ve still got a bunch not to keep from last year. If that doesn’t make sense to you, you’ve obviously not been without sleep as long as I have. You might ask, “Why is she sleep-deprived?” Or you might not. I’m sorry. I’m telling you anyway.

I’m not getting enough sleep because I have cats. Not just any cats, but bad, awful, horrible, weird cats. I don’t know how that fact escaped me for so long. I suspect I’ve suppressed it, you know, like you would any random thing such as–oh, I don’t know–having a family picture taken with your blouse on backwards. Or going to work–or church, or Joplin–with two different shoes on. Not that I’ve done anything like that. I’ll bet somebody has, though.

So back to my awful cats. We went to South Carolina to spend Christmas with our son and his family. Along with all the people present, there were critters–a hyperactive Maltese, an even more hyperactive half-grown boxer, two ferrets, and two cats.

The dogs were everywhere. On everything. And everyone. They were fun. The ferrets–I didn’t touch them. They’re like rats that have been squeezed into a tube. But the cats are what interested me. One cat in particular. His name was Hendryx. I spent a lot of time with him, and not once did I see him do any of the following:

  • get his head stuck in a water glass
  • climb drapes
  • bite somebody
  • fall in the toilet
  • chew a hole in somebody’s favorite chair
  • get the handle of a brown paper bag wound around his neck and careen through the house, hissing at anyone who tried to help him
  • get a claw stuck in the chain on a ceiling fan
  • wind himself up in the cord of a window shade
  • wedge himself between the wall and a piece of furniture
  • drag a bag of anything from the pantry and tear it open to see if he liked it
  • pull the communal cat-igloo across the room and turn it to face the wall so no other cat has access, then get in and wait for them to try
  • fall through a window screen to the ground below
  • run across any sleeping person’s face
  • pee on anybody’s $300 cowboy boots (and don’t you be judging me.  I drive a Honda Civic. I deserve those boots).

No. Hendrix did not do any of that. You know what he did? He curled up beside me and purred, like cats are supposed to do. All those other things? My cats make a habit of doing most of them on an average of once a week. They don’t even make it up to us by being nice on occasion. Not them. They completely ignore us unless they want to torment us. You’d OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAthink they wouldn’t know whether we were here or not.

That’s the awful thing. They ignore us, and if we leave them a few days and come back they ignore us more but double-down on being annoying. When we came back from South Carolina, the hissing, spitting, and yowling could be heard as far away as Sapulpa. Seriously. The psycho cat, which is absolutely not my cat,OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA immediately sprinted up the stairs, went under the bed, and commenced to having a nervous breakdown. A very noisy nervous breakdown. He apparently has the same philosophy I do–If you suffer in silence, how’s anybody going to know you’re suffering? And isn’t that the important part of suffering?

Then, once he was ensconced in his version of a rubber room, the rest of them started with the sniffing. They had to smell every inch of everything that we brought in. If they smelled something they didn’t like, they attacked each other. If we tried to separate them, they attacked us. If we tried to distract them with treats, they attacked those. We tried to put everything in the guest room and they ran in there. When we tried to get them all out of that room, they ran under the bed.

Rats in tubes are starting to look pretty good.





  1. A claw in the ceiling fan chain? How does that happen? But just look at their cute little faces–they’re irresistible.


    Comment by Michelle — January 12, 2013 @ 9:11 pm | Reply

  2. You are dangerous! I about choked on my coffee this morning. The list of cat-weirdness was purrrfection! (sorry) I thought I was the only one with dysfunctional cats. Yours are cat-astrophes. (Sorry!)
    I accidently solved this problem. My inside cats are now curled up outside. I do not like having outside cats, but they disagreed vehemently. After the third dog made itself at home on my couch, the cats abandoned ship.
    Javelin, a luxurious van cat, is the occasional hold-out. He will come in – eat- then throw up on the clean clothes on the counter and then hiss until someone lets him outside again. Do not attempt to pet him out of sequence!
    Mount St. Helen’s will not let himself be picked up until he is hungry. Then he will eat, hiss, dump a hairball, eat some more, and then claw his way to the porch.
    DeeDee is old. She came with the hous. My house was built in 1919 and I think DeeDee hatched about then, too. Her previous owner kept her inside on a leash. DeeDee escaped after the funeral. It took me almost a year to entice her into our home, she was that skittish.
    But, then the third dog bounded in and leaped onto the couch right next to her. I think he might have touched her! That was all it took. DeeDee sleeps anywhere but here now. I do know she comes home occasionally to eat, and present me with a hairball on my porch swing but mostly she hangs out with the geezer-cat two doors down.
    See you 2sday!


    Comment by ponytail girl — January 14, 2013 @ 10:34 am | Reply

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