Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

December 14, 2012

Worry, worry

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 12:30 pm

You know how you lie awake at night sometimes, worrying about money, or getting old, or whether you locked the door, or turned off the stove, or accidentally locked a cat in the closet? You know, that kind of stuff? And if course the bills are paid, you’re already old, the door’s locked, the stove’s off, and sometimes a cat needs to be locked in the closet. I have practically perfected the art of worrying about nothing, but now I have a real, live thing that matters.

I’m worried that Jon Stewart has man-boobs. What? Don’t act like you’ve never thought about it. Of course you have. He turned 50 on November 28. I know. I was there. And by there I mean on the couch. My couch. Watching The Daily Show.

Things happen to people when they turn 50. I hear. Oh, all right. I know. Or at least I think I know. I’m not sure I can remember that far back. But then, I still remember when my butt fell–the very minute–but that was a sudden, life altering event. Suddenly you’re all like, MY JEANS DON’T FIT ANY MORE!! And you naturally turn your attention to what you do have and start buying boots, which are far more expensive than jeans.

Oops. Off track, there.

So I do worry. About his man-boobs. I have a right to worry about things that are clearly not my business. This is America, people!

For instance, about ten years ago I was in bed early in the morning, just lying there, and I rolled over to TBL and said, “I’m worried about Farrah Fawcett.”

Naturally he acted like that was the craziest thing he ever heard, because who wakes up at six in the morning and says she’s worried about Farrah Fawcett? Just people who care about other people, that’s all. And I was right to worry, because next thing you know, she’s dead. Well, maybe not the direct next thing. But about five years later she was. And I was all like, “See there? I knew I should have worried more.”

And then there was Eric Clapton. We went to see him, and when he came out on stage, I said, “Hm. I wonder why he’s wearing that shirt. He doesn’t usually wear shirts like that.”

TBL: “What’s wrong with his shirt?”

Me: “I don’t know. Nothing, I guess. His hair’s longer than usual, too.”

TBL: Silence.

Me: “And that watch. That’s not his regular watch.”

TBL: More silence.

Me: “I don’t think he looks good. Do you?”

TBL: “I think he looks fine.”

Me: “I wonder if he’s sick. He could be sick.”

TBL: “He looks fine. He isn’t sick. Why would you think he’s sick?”

Me: “Well. He’ll be 65 in 26 days.”

Short silence.

Me: “What if he dies? He has small children. Who’ll take care of those little kids?”

TBL: “Umm…his wife?”

Me: “Oh, who knows what kind of person she is!”

TBL: “You do know there are laws against stalking.”

Me: “Pffft. I’m not stalking him. I’m interested .”

Obviously Eric Clapton isn’t dead. And as long as I worry, he’ll be just fine.

However, sad to say, he probably does have man-boobs.

And anyway, just because I was worried about the wrong thing doesn’t mean there’s nothing to worry about.

Back to Jon. A secondary worry, you know, to the man boobs is, can I really keep the torch burning for someone with man-boobs?

Hey. Don’t judge me. Like you’re not occasionally shallow? Please. Just consider the last fireman you saw. Are you saying you didn’t check him out? That’s what I thought.

This matter bears thinking about. Any advice?



  1. As long as YOU don’t have man-boobs, who cares! My neighbor allowed lightening to hit her window sill just so she could ogle a couple of firemen. I came over and helped her. I even held the ladder while the cute one went up to check the attic. It was my civic duty.
    And today, at the company xmas party, someone inferred that I might have cob webs in my vah-jay-jay — –and I said, “hey, I’m married and I didn’t marry him for his money!”
    Tangle with me at 9:30 in the morning!
    I love Jon and Eric, too, and do not share well with others.


    Comment by ponytail girl — December 14, 2012 @ 12:59 pm | Reply

  2. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog
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    Comment by halloween contact lenses — January 7, 2013 @ 4:18 am | Reply

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