Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

August 9, 2012

Things I learned in South Carolina

 

It is possible for a woman of a certain age (Come on. You know how old I am, and so do I. I’m just tired of saying it.) to drive her daughter-in-law’s convertible Camaro and garner quite a few hoots, honks, and hollers. It is also possible that some of those h,h, and h were due to a 10-year-old steering while somebody else beat the baby Jesus out of the GPS. That doesn’t mitigate my hotness, though. Really.

And speaking of the GPS, it’s nice to know I’m not hated only by my own technical doo-hickeys. I’m apparently universally scorned by the doo-hickular community, battery-powered and wireless, mostly those that talk. For instance, Siri, my iPhone “assistant.” The first time I tried to ask her a question, she said, “How can I help you, Kelly?”  And I’m all like “WTF? Who the hell is Kelly?” And you know what? Siri doesn’t appreciate that language. I haven’t spoken to her since. The bitch.

There are still places that aren’t 95 degrees at 9 a.m.

29 episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter in 4 days is do-able, even pleasurable, when accompanied by commentary from a 10-year-old. You want specifics? Okay.

  • Dog should button his shirt. Nobody wants to see his belly. He doesn’t even have abs.
  • Beth needs a better bra, and sometimes she just needs a bra, period.
  • A lot of people in Hawaii don’t have all their teeth, just like in regular America.
  • It’s about time they got married, but Dog should have rethought that outfit. And the mullet. Definitely should have reconsidered that.
  • And Leland and Duane Lee are equally hot. (I have to disagree. Seriously. Have you seen Duane Lee? He’s only awesome.)

South Carolina barbecue is lots better than anybody else’s, even if they do put law on top.

Airports aren’t always never-ending mazes of moving sidewalks, food courts, and TSA employees who’d  just as soon whack you with that wand as look at you. Sometimes you’re the only passenger going through security. When you set off the security doo-hickey, somebody might smile at you and say, “It’s all right. It’s probably just that old bracelet. Can you take it off for me and come back through?” Done. You set it off again. “Now, now. Let’s just take that other bracelet off and try it again.” It’s just like Weight Watchers. You get to take off as much as you need to in order to pass. I am not making this up. At one weigh-in I needed another .4 pound off to avoid paying a fee. I took off bracelets, a watch, earrings, my glasses, and, finally, my hair clip. Bingo.

Moonshine is not a beverage of the past. As a matter of fact, moonshine tastings are common.

All the TV shows come on at the wrong times. Jon Stewart at 11:00? I don’t think so. If I’m not mistaken, that conflicts with Nightmare Next Door  one night and Blood, Motives, and Murder the next. It shouldn’t, since all the show times are skewed, but there you have it. To make me choose would be cruel.

If the day ends with “Y,” there’s a gun show somewhere. At least one.

Contrary to popular belief—okay. Contrary to my belief—you can actually drive by the Bob Jones University campus without fear of a Mighty Wind sucking you into the chapel and getting you gang-saved. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The Biltmore mansion in Asheville should be called the Costmore.

There’s no such thing as iced tea. It’s sweettea, all one word. And it really does taste better with sugar in it.

 

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5 Comments »

  1. That’s a pretty astute 10-year old but I have to agree to disagree with her about Duane Lee. I’ve had dreams about him. Enough said about that. So glad you got to sample SC fare. The only thing better than sweetea is sweetea with moonshine in it. Just one of the reasons I feared that Mighty Sucking Wind.

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    Comment by Michelle — August 9, 2012 @ 5:04 pm | Reply

  2. Moving to OK from East Tennessee (and yes, we call it EAST TN because the state is divided into three distinct areas, much like three different states) I was shocked to learn that people actually drank tea w/o sugar. WHAT? I’ve adjusted to many things since moving to OK and have done fairly well but I will always call them shopping buggies, put the groceries in a BAG and drink my tea not only dark and very strong, but heap it full of sugar. I have graduated to artificial sweetener, but still…

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    Comment by Gloria Teague — August 9, 2012 @ 6:06 pm | Reply

  3. Is’t it SC that has rocking chairs in the Airport? Maybe that ‘s Charlotte, NC. Or Susie-Q, SC. I can’t get used to any town with a debutante’s name. I have visited Hilton Head Island, and I loved it. But I won’t live anywhere that is a body part. Bad enough living in a sneeze like Sapulpa.
    At least Sapulpans are not still deciding the BIG WAR of Northen Aggression.xo lottie

    Like

    Comment by ponytail girl — August 10, 2012 @ 9:21 am | Reply

    • I’m not sure. I kind of stumbled in and stumbled out. I’m not a good traveler.

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      Comment by vadasmaker — August 22, 2012 @ 9:30 pm | Reply

  4. Carol…seems like you had an interesting experience…Lily

    Like

    Comment by Lily — August 13, 2012 @ 10:02 pm | Reply


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