Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

June 10, 2012

The Great Shrimpcident of 2012

Filed under: Blogroll — Vadasmaker @ 6:05 pm
Tags: , , , ,

TBL does almost all our cooking. He has for about ten years, partly because he’s “more efficient” and “not so messy” and doesn’t “drift into la-la land” with things on the stove or in the oven. That’s sort of not fair since when I did cook I got it done and cleaned up after myself. Plus I cooked stuff that had built-in time for side trips.

So yesterday I was surprised when he said I would have to take care of dinner because he had to go to Home Depot. I was supposed to boil shrimp. He filled the pot with water. He turned the burner on. He put the seasoning in the pot. Then he gave me ten minutes’ worth of instructions, stuff like “Wait till the water boils,” “Put the shrimp in all at once,” and “Don’t hold the bag too high above the pot when you put the shrimp in. It’ll splash on you and burn you.”

And I’m all like, “Get away! Go. It’s not brain surgery!”

From the look he gives me I know he’s probably remembering the Black Beans in the Blender issue and the I Forgot that was Hot thing. Some people just can’t let anything go. I mean, everybody who was there has probably forgotten it by now.

What happened was we had company and some were vegetarian, so I was making black bean soup. There’s a step in the process where I puree some of the beans and put them back in the pot to thicken the soup. When they were in the blender I wanted to see if they were liquid enough, so I took the lid off the blender. But I forgot to turn it off. Like I’m the only one that ever happened to? And I had my glasses on so it’s not like I put my eye out or anything. Plus it came of the walls and ceiling pretty easily after it dried.






Seriously, that kind of thing is happening somewhere everyday. Probably. Possibly.

And then there was that one time when I took something out of the oven and put away the oven mitts. Then it occurred to me that I needed to clean the oven when it cooled, so I might as well take the racks out and wash them while I waited.  So I did. With my bare hands.

What? Your memory’s perfect? And really, it wasn’t that big a deal. When they first took the bandages off I thought I might have scars, but I didn’t.

Ok. So TBL is at Home Depot. I have to pee, but I’m afraid the pot will boil while I’m doing that, so I’m in the kitchen, waiting for the pot to boil. And you know what they say about a watched pot. I get bored waiting wander into the dining room. I see some dust bunnies under the table, so I get the dust mop. I’m chasing the bunnies all around the floor and I hear kind of a s-s-s-s.

Uh-oh. So I race into the kitchen and take the lid off the pot, which calms the boiling. Congratulating myself on averting a potential disas-trophe, I get the shrimp from the refrigerator. I realize just about then that now I reaaalllly have to pee, but decide I’ll just dump the shrimp in first, because it’ll have to cook a couple of minutes.

I’m standing with my legs crossed, dumping in the shrimp, and from the corner of my eye I see a woman coming to the door. The last shrimp falls into the pot, the boiling water erupts like Mount Vesuvius on steroids, and the lady knocks on the door.

The water in the pot is orangey red, from the seasoning, and it’s rapidly covering the top of the stove, the front and sides of the stove, the cabinet top, and a little of the floor. But the woman is knocking and I have to pee, so I run to the door with my thighs together, throw open the storm door and say, “Oh-my-god-he-never-lets-me-cook-and-now-there’s-shrimp-water-everywhere-he’s-going-to-kill-me-I-have-to-pee-I’ll-be-right-back.”

So I did. I went to the bathroom because there was no putting it off, boiling pot and lady at the door be damned!

Then I took the pot off the burner, turned the burner off, talked to the woman at the door, and returned to the kitchen to survey the results of the shrimpcident.

People, it is truly incredible how much havoc one woman, a pot of water, and a pound of shrimp can wreak. I should get an award or something. I had so little to work with, and yet I damned near surpassed my own personal best in the category of unintentional but potentially life-threatening situations.

I was in awe of me. Seriously.

However, I had no time to worship at my own feet on account of I had to clean up that mess before TBL returned.  I remembered his instructions to dump the shrimp into the colander in the sink and cover it with ice, so I did. Then I dug the shrimp that missed the colander out of the garbage disposal,  washed it off, put it back in the colander and dumped all the ice in the freezer on it.

I got everything cleaned up before he got home and it would have been a secret, just between me and you, except for the towels piled on the washer, wet and stained orangey red and stinking of shrimp water.

But the shrimp was good.




  1. I’ve said it before…oh, to be in your world for just one hour!


    Comment by Michelle — June 10, 2012 @ 6:19 pm | Reply

    • To be in my world–fine. To be in my head–um, not so much.


      Comment by vadasmaker — June 17, 2012 @ 1:52 pm | Reply

  2. Fabulously funny! I wonder how many of us will have to go pee after reading this.


    Comment by Ryno — June 11, 2012 @ 12:49 pm | Reply

  3. I just read an article this morning that they’ve found a previously untranslatable section of the Mayan Calendar that says in the months leading up to the end of the long count, people will start having mysterious incidents with shellfish.
    It’s not your fault.


    Comment by Becky — June 17, 2012 @ 9:11 am | Reply

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