Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

June 9, 2012

Gravity: It’s not your friend.

Filed under: Blogroll — Vadasmaker @ 12:31 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Oh. My. God.

I hate getting old. It doesn’t matter if I don’t look old. What matters are facts. Which is a fact I tend to reject, because, as we all know, reality sucks and I’m agin it. Nevertheless, there are some things we can’t ignore. Or at least I can’t. With every new and odious thing I learn, I wonder why anybody would ever even try to lie about their age. I mean, seriously? Believe me, your body is a tattle-tale.

Here are things I’ve learned in just the last month. And people, I have to say, it vexeth me much that I can’t do my usual and say “Out! Out, damned fact!”

  • Fact: The phrase “wrinkled as grandma’s butt,” which I may have made up in a book I wrote, but I doubt it, is not just a phrase meant to describe a piece of clothing. Or anything else I would be okay with.

It really does describe grandma’s butt.  I’m a grandma, and I saw it. Alas, not on someone else. In the freaking mirror. And those wrinkles are not due to prolonged contact with a hair brush, or sitting on any ridged surface, which is what I’d like to think. It’s skin people. Skin that used to be somewhere in the vicinity of my waist.

  • Fact: Back fat isn’t a result of being overweight or not exercising. It’s the result of life. You may have seen advertisements for the “invisible back” bra? Ha! I laugh at that. “The invisible back bra” is just a euphemism for “bra that squishes all your fat into one lump so you look like you have a camel in your family tree.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I know all about displaced fat.

Twenty years ago, before I discovered that energy expended has to equal calories consumed (something I also reject, but that only works in theory),  I bought this girdle. An industrial strength girdle. From the waist all the way up the rib cage were hook and eye closures. From the waist to the knees was elastic that could have kept a jet from taking off, if it was a lot bigger or a jet was a lot smaller.

You didn’t put it on. You wrestled it on. And unfortunately, you didn’t always win. So the one time I got it on (and I did not manage that on my own, much to TBL’s discomfort), the fat that had been in the middle had migrated, some north and some south. It was kind of like a balloon that you had squeezed in the middle.

If you had to go to the bathroom, you did not take that thing off. I’m not going to tell you how you did do it. Use your imagination.

I took it off and put on my fat jeans.

  •  Fact: Knees will betray you. The one part of your body you think will stay put, if for no other reason than that you went through most of your life with knobs for knees because there was no skin on them, doesn’t. Somehow, skin that used to be higher up has taken your knees hostage. If you don’t believe me, get a step stool and stand on it so you can see them in your bathroom mirror.

Not that I ever have. And not that there’s anything wrong with that. But if you’re already up there, check out your thighs. I’ll bet they’re touching. No matter how far apart your feet are. And don’t fall off that stool. Not that you’re on one. And not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  • Fact: This fact is the one that renders all those above true. Gravity is not your friend.

Seriously. From now on, the only time we’re going to look like we used to is in low light, lying on our backs with our arms tight against our sides. By ourselves.

You’re welcome.

However, having said all that, I’ll say this: None of that matters. Who you really are, who you’ve always been (or like me, the person you’ve fought to become but aren’t sure you’ve made it yet), is still there, and people who matter will know that.

Oh, and if some of your self-worth comes from the admiration of anonymous others, don’t worry.

There will be never be a lack of near-sighted men (or women. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) who are too vain to get glasses.



  1. Thanks for my first laugh of the day but there’s NO way I’m climbing on a stool. Not only would that be difficult with this new knee, but I know me and I’d fall off to break a hip. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.


    Comment by Gloria Teague — June 9, 2012 @ 12:54 pm | Reply

  2. Bravo, Carol. Who you really are is all that matters. Having people in our lives who believe that, and will help remind us of who we are when we’ve forgotten, is likely one of the greatest gifts we’ll ever receive. Beyond that, you continue to create hysterically funny visuals of yourself that should probably not be remembered.


    Comment by Michelle — June 9, 2012 @ 1:47 pm | Reply

  3. I’m not standing on a stool in front of the mirror–I’m having a hard enough time figuring out when my aunt started living with me, because she’s the one I’m seeing now when I comb my hair. I think I’m just going to give up on mirrors.



    Comment by Left-Brained Business for Write-Brained People — June 9, 2012 @ 7:12 pm | Reply

  4. You know it’s happened to you, when you HAVE to date younger men, because all the men your age are in retirement homes or dead. That happened ot me about 10 years ago. so I put on my red hat and drank a mint julep. Double.


    Comment by ponytail girl — June 11, 2012 @ 8:27 am | Reply

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