Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

May 22, 2012

Ten simple tips for avoiding the common serial killer

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 6:18 pm

I know more about serial killers than anybody who isn’t one ought to. Really. So I thought I’d share it with you so you can be just as weird as I am with a tenth the effort.

First and foremost, if you think you know what a serial killer looks like, you’re probably wrong. While you’re scanning the crowd for someone with bad dental hygiene, mismatched socks, and a bad haircut, some hottie wearing Gucci loafers and carrying a rope and a hatchet is going to sneak up on you, and that’s all she wrote.

 Consider these ten simple tips for avoiding the common serial killer:

  • Avoid fire fighters. One of the three childhood characteristics of serial killers is that they like to start fires. Firemen may not start them, but they get to watch them. Also be leery of men who like to cook out. The do start fires. Stick with those who know how to use a microwave.

It’s a well-known fact that serial killers do not microwave.

  • Steer clear of men who don’t like cats. A second characteristic in the homicidal triad of serial killers is torturing animals. How far from animal torturer is a man who dislikes cats? Because trust me, if he already dislikes cats, and he has to contend with one, it’s a slippery slope from dislike to torture.

You will be very, very sorry if you ignore this piece of advice. So will Fluffy. Don’t kill Fluffy.

  • Don’t go near white panel vans with no windows in the back. That’s what they drive. Except Ted Bundy. Who drove a Volkswagen. But he did abduct his last victim while he was driving a van.  I was approached in the liquor store parking lot by a man in just that kind of vehicle once. Did I step close to that van in order to take the business card he offered me? I did not.

Ok, so he wasn’t a serial killer. He was a carpenter. I still didn’t get close to that van. Haven’t you ever heard of sawing a woman in half?  Who’s to say only magicians do that?

  •  If his car tag is from Washington state or Oregon, be very, very suspicious. I won’t say everybody in the upper northwest is a serial killer, because Todd Snider, is from up there, and everybody knows his middle name is “Adorable,” but the area is the natural habitat of the common serial killer.

I am not making this up! It’s on Wikipedia, people! And if you travel to those states, you might as well put a sign around your neck: Pick me! Pick me. I’m just saying.

It totally makes sense that some of them would migrate in order to cut down on the competition. That’s just good business sense. What better place to come than Oklahoma, where we’re always trying to save people from eternal damnation? How many brownie points—sorry, I meant jewels in your crown—would you get for bringing that one into the fold? I know, right? Talk about your highway to heaven. We’re talking. Expressway. Autobahn, baby.

However, there is a downside. You may not have a crown upon which to set that crown.

Don’t tell me. I know. I’m fixing to be struck by lightning. Even the cat has moved to the other side of the room.

  •  When he’s in the bathroom, look in that man purse he carries. If you see a rope, duct tape, knives, and/or ice picks, just give up now. You obviously didn’t follow any of my previous advice.

By the way, if he binds you with duct tape, lick it. The saliva dissolves the sticky stuff. Try it. You should probably practice anyway since you’ve already let him in the house.

  • While he’s in that bathroom, race to the bedroom  and check for rubber sheets on the bed. The third in the triad I mentioned is bedwetting. That doesn’t mean your three-year-old is a budding serial killer. Still, I’d keep the kid away from matches and animals. You know. Just in case.
  •  Get a look at his driver’s license. If his middle name is Lee or Wayne, drop the license and call 911.
  •  If you’re silly enough to go to his place, check the refrigerator for heads. Real heads. Not heads of lettuce. Serial killers do not eat salad. Look it up.
  •  Do not go down to the basement, out in the woods, or up the stairs to see what that noise is. Are you stupid? I shouldn’t even have to tell you that.


  •    Don’t go to or host slumber parties with your hot friends. Why? Don’t you watch TV?

1 Comment »

  1. Truly funny –for a serial killer potential victim’s post


    Comment by ponytail girl — May 22, 2012 @ 2:26 pm | Reply

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