Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

May 16, 2012

Woman 101

Filed under: General — Vadasmaker @ 9:29 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Things every woman should know how to do

  • Wear a tiara like you mean it
  • Accept a compliment graciously. Then write it down so you can read it later when you’re feeling fat and bloated and have sheet-face and vitamin-breath.
  • Change a light bulb even when it requires a ladder. And remember it’s always darkest just before you change it.
  • Make a green bean casserole. You should always have one in the freezer. You know. In case someone dies. Or you’re a Methodist. A pot luck is liable to bust out any time.
  • Find a stud in the wall. Or one on the street who can locate the one in the wall.
  • Convince the person who points it out that you actually know you’re wearing two different shoes. Or that your dress is wrong side-out. Oh, like that would never happen to you.
  • Change a flat. Ha ha! Just kidding. That’s what men are for.

 Things no woman should do or admit to knowing how to do

  • Clean fish. Trust me on this. If you can skin and gut a catfish or fillet a crappie or a sand bass, life as you know it is over. For all eternity camping trips will be spent standing for hours at a makeshift table, covered with scales, blood (some your own), and fish guts. Your only break will be to restock the cooler on the boat with beer. I know what you’re thinking, but juries rarely sympathize with women who gut their husbands instead of the fish

On the other hand, if you have a hankering for a river-rafting, deer-killing, fish-catching hunka hunka burning love, cleaning fish could be an asset. What    red-blooded American male doesn’t want a woman who cleans fish? However, I feel honor-bound to tell you that 87.3 percent of the time, that H.H.B.L. will grow a mullet, a beer-belly, and a “do me” attitude. Then you’re stuck with him AND fish innards.

You’ve been warned.

  • Mow the lawn. It isn’t impossible to avoid this. Try this simple method: Beg your significant other to let you do it, please, just this once. Mow in random, aimless directions and leave patches standing ankle high. Thereafter, not only will you be banned from yard work, he will pay you not to do it. Don’t take less than $40.
  • Iron. That’s why God created permanent press and dry cleaners. Go ahead. Ask her.
  • Sew. Not so much as a button. That button leads to three-piece suits and bridesmaid dresses.
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5 Comments »

  1. I have, at one time or another, done all but one of the above. I won’t say which. At this point in my life, only one is part of the authentic me. Again, not saying which–I’m a true woman of mystery. But it’s good to know I could if I had to, and even better to have the above guidance in case I lose my way. Thanks for the lesson.

    Like

    Comment by Michelle — May 16, 2012 @ 10:11 pm | Reply

  2. The first two continue to be a lifelong lesson.

    Great post, Carol! Thanks for giving me a chuckle so early in the morning.

    Joan

    Like

    Comment by Left-Brained Business for Write-Brained People — May 17, 2012 @ 2:40 am | Reply

  3. I admit that I iron, sew and mow. But I draw the line at gutting fish. I think it is important for the state of the universe to allow men to do some things, even if not well. Don’t kibbittz, just let him gut. Never let any man know you know how to cook,,either, or it will be your job until you are wheeled into the kitchen in your hospice gown to heat up the leftovers.
    Thansk for the laugh on a Thursday in May. Love you.Lottie

    Like

    Comment by ponytail girl — May 17, 2012 @ 9:00 am | Reply

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    Comment by The Online Stopwatch — September 16, 2013 @ 9:19 pm | Reply


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